subscribe
/ Sign Out

Five Facebook types you'll never stop hate-following

THESE days Facebook is only used to keep an eye on people you hate. So who are they and why are they so awful you’ll never unfollow them?

The emotional blackmailer. This guy regularly posts useful awareness messages about cancer treatment and mental health – but ruins this caring gesture by implying that if you don’t repost them, you’re the scum of the earth. 

The ‘friend’ you’ve known since you were four. Actually you’d have completely forgotten her if it wasn’t for the friendship life-support system Facebook. She tediously responds to everything you post with ‘Can’t believe I’ve known you since I was 4!’ and several heart emojis, which might explain why she hasn’t got any proper friends.

The animal rights activist. She posts daily videos of distressed livestock and her ‘yummy vegan dinner’. She reckons her okra crumble with nut cheese sprinkle looks delicious, not realising her propaganda is turning you into a militant carnivore.

Humblebrag housewife. Pretends to be taking pictures of her kids, but leaves the shots incredibly wide so you can see her massive barn conversion. Think you’re looking at a shot of young Finley baking cupcakes? No. It’s a coded, sneering message saying “Our kitchen is bigger than your tragic little shoebox of a house”.

‘Entrepreneur’ friend. She sells moisturiser and weird vitamin powders in what is clearly a pyramid scheme, but makes out it’s a successful business. She’d happily scam you into buying anti-ageing ‘serum’ that’s just sugar syrup and lies, so you’re quite happy to read her DMs about how awful her life really is.

The selfish bastard's guide to leaving your engine running

CAN’T be bothered to turn your car engine off while your partner goes shopping for 40 minutes? Here’s how to explain why you’re being such a selfish bastard.

It’s too cold for my delicate little body

If you have a frail elderly person you’re driving home from hospital in the back and have stopped off for medical supplies, this is acceptable. If you’ve gone out in February wearing a t-shirt and flip-flops, you are simply a twat.

I need the air conditioning on so I don’t get heatstroke

If it’s a hot day and you’ve chosen to sit inside a metal box on a melting tarmac surface you don’t deserve air conditioning. Go and stand under a tree, you idiot.

It helps with the tough job of defrosting the windscreen

Just scrape it with your credit card like everyone else. And if you leave the engine running and go back inside to warm up you definitely deserve to have your car stolen.

I need to charge my phone so I can watch Hollyoaks

If you’ve allowed your other half to go and do the weekly shop on their own while you sit in the car park watching crap on your phone, you don’t deserve a partner. Or a car. Or even a terrible soap opera set in Chester, for some reason.

I don’t give a shit about anyone except myself

You don’t care if children choke on your exhaust fumes and couldn’t give a toss about global warming, but at least you’re honest about it. At home you probably turn your central heating right up then open the windows, just to tell the environment to f**k off.

Next story ›