Female scientist gives up trying to tell male colleagues she found a vaccine in May

A FEMALE scientist who discovered a coronavirus vaccine in May has given up trying to tell her male colleagues.

Biochemist Susan Traherne discovered a reliable COVID-19 vaccine in a record-breaking 36 days and has spent the following 88 days attempting to get any of her male colleagues, superiors or even unpaid interns to listen.

She said: “Judging by the frantic scrambling of the rest of the team I thought it would take years to find a vaccine, but by building on the incredible and largely ignored work of Dr Helen Archer in the 1990s, I hit on one in just over a month.

“I was jubilant when I shared the news of my world-saving breakthrough. My boss smiled at me patronisingly and told me to put it in an email, which he hasn’t read.

“When I went to his office to repeat the incredible news, he listened to me for a moment then handed me his mug and said ‘Cheers love, I’m gasping.’

“It’s been months now and still nobody’s interested. Maybe this is their way of telling me I’ve missed something really obvious and I need to go back to the drawing board? Either way, I give up. You win, Covid.”

Lab manager Martin Bishop said: “Incredibly, I’ve discovered a coronavirus vaccine. I went through a junior researcher’s lab fridge and her notes and found a perfect solution she’s idiotically overlooked.

“I’ll win the Nobel Prize for this. What a hero.”

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Five annoying favours you should have said 'F**k, no' to

AGREED to do someone a favour and now deeply regretting it? Here are some little helping hands you’ll hate every minute of:

Getting your parents’ shopping

Never ‘pick up a few things’ for dear old mum and dad. They’ll suddenly all the other stuff they needed besides bread and bacon, and you’ll be trudging round Tesco looking for ‘the special biscuits’ and haemorrhoid cream. Tell them ‘f**k, no.’ Use those exact words.

Professional networking

Sometimes friends will ask if you’ve got any useful contacts in your industry. But as soon as you put them in touch with your friend in marketing they’ll become an unemployable knob who hassles your contact daily. Your reputation will become ‘twat with weird mates’. That’s where kindness gets you.

Looking after a pet

Nobody asks you to care for a high-maintenance pet like a Rottweiler, but a few cute little gerbils for a week can’t be much trouble? Until the little f**kers have killed and cannibalised one of their own gruesomely and you’re disposing of the body parts.

Reading a novel/screenplay

Unless you’re mates with Martin Amis or Joss Whedon, any creative work by a chum is guaranteed to be derivative crap with disturbing dragon sex scenes. Putting off giving feedback indefinitely is impossible, so move to another country and assume a new identity.

Temporarily housing a friend-of-a-friend

Steve’s mate Kenny is visiting but he’s already got another friend on his sofa, so could Kenny stay with you? Sure, why not? Because Kenny’s a sexist, racist shitbag who your friends will assume you agree with. Give a definite ‘f**k, no’ before this twat gets on the train with his sleeping bag.

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