subscribe
/ Sign Out

Allowing random twats to own small, unlicensed flying machines 'obviously insane'

PRIVATELY operated drones are a clear sign that society has lost its mind, experts have confirmed.

Researchers found it was ‘demonstrably insane’ to allow the average idiot to own a small, unpredictable flying machine.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “We’re now allowing anyone to send a two-foot wide, unmanned helicopter into the air.

“You know how, in the course of a typical day, you come across at least a dozen utter morons that you wouldn’t trust to boil an egg?

“Do you see what I’m getting at?”

He added: “Can we please just stop – for five fucking minutes – and think about this?”

Teacher just binning any present not shaped like a bottle

TEACHER Emma Bradford is putting every Christmas present that is clearly not a bottle straight in the bin, she has revealed.

Bradford has so far received gifts from around half of her Year 3 class, with all envelopes immediately discarded. Three wrapped items that were obviously mugs have also been binned, along with something that may have been a book.

She said: “I haven’t got time to fuck around with gift cards and scarves. I’m not going outside for the next three weeks, unless it’s in an Uber to the pub.

“Parents can’t complain about their non-alcohol gifts going straight to landfill. I’ve made it very clear that booze is the only thing that makes spending all week with their children worthwhile.

“Everyone knows presents are just bribes anyway. Callum’s mum needs to realise there’s no way a cheap scented candle will make me overlook that distressing game of ‘hamster keepie uppie’.”

Gesturing to a box of bottle-shaped items, Bradford added: “If any of these turn out to be posh cordial someone is getting held back a year.”

Next story ›