Relationships

WITH eight days to go before Valentine’s Day, if you want to get out of buying chocolates and giving head you need to get dumped now. Follow these tips:

AN unfortunate-faced man is convinced that he will nab himself a gorgeous, accomplished babe because he is none of those things.

A MAN having sex with multiple partners is always careful not to catch feelings for any of them, he has confirmed.

YOUR mum is a nosy parker desperate to keep tabs on your life. These are the reasons she’ll pretend she’s popped round for.

THERE is a baseline of things we expect in a relationship - respect, mutual attraction and, of course, a faux-rustic stove fuelled by little pre-chopped logs.

A COUPLE have decided to start trying for a baby with sickeningly unfair advantages in life. 

A GREAT sex life is all very well, but what if you just can’t be arsed? Here Nikki Hollis explains how she likes to make intercourse with her boyfriend entirely forgettable.

YOUR father has so much to teach you about child-raising, even though he was largely at work, in the garage or out at a hardware store. Here’s how he nailed parenthood.

A MAN who has been with the same woman for two decades is unable to think of new content to write in her birthday card, it has emerged.

A WOMAN who is 5ft 1in is insensitively going out with a man who is an enviable 6ft 3ins.