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'You've spent too long on the toilet': Six texts that prove your relationship has gone stale

THE romance in any relationship can’t last forever. Here are six texts you might receive – or send – that prove it beyond all reasonable doubt.

‘You’ve spent too long on the toilet’

A few minutes sitting on the toilet can be a beautiful escape. A time to gather your thoughts, check your phone and dream of a better life. But spend more than 10 minutes in there and you’ll get a text hassling you to come and do some chores. And for God’s sake put the seat down.

‘Baby asleep’

This is code for ‘be f**king quiet’. You immediately switch to your default mode of walking around your home as if it’s littered with landmines. If you move between rooms, you’d better pray you read the text from yesterday ‘Can you WD40 all the creaky door hinges?’.

‘The chilli is in the slow cooker’

It used to be all saucy text messages and raunchy pictures. That was the honeymoon period. Now you get a purely functional account of this evening’s food or passive-aggressive questions about whether you used the last tin of kidney beans.

‘Can you stop leaving pubes in the shower?’

One of the cliches about relationships is that people aren’t trying to ‘change’ each other. This is a lie, and once you’ve been together a while expect texts from your loved one shaming you for things like being so inconsiderate as to have body hair. 

‘Buy bin liners, cat litter and milk’

No ‘hello’, no ‘how are you’ and definitely no ‘I love you snugglebum’ – just a cold and concise list of items to get on your way home. All pretences have been dropped, you must simply do as you’re told. Rubbish bags, cat defecation products and boring foodstuffs – this is your life now.

‘Turn the TV down a bit’

Forget nights of passion. Now, one of you goes to bed at 9pm while the other stays up and watches more telly. Cue texts from upstairs complaining the TV is too loud. Really you should try to put the sexual spark back in your relationship, but instead you’ll just watch GoldenEye for the fifth time.  

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Prioritise trivial shit

People hate not being able to get their hair restyled, go to McDonald’s or buy a shrub at the garden centre. So we put off announcing a lockdown then relaxed it ASAP. Loads of people are dead now, but we got some upbeat headlines last summer and that’s what counts.

Do crazy U-turns

Last year we weren’t being told what to do by Marcus Rashford. Then we were. This week we might ignore him again. My personal view is that he is either a great guy using his celebrity to make a difference, or an overpaid footballer who needs to piss off. It all depends on the headlines.

Free stuff

Getting people to sit in enclosed spaces during Eat Out To Help Out might not have been a good idea. But you are forgetting what I call ‘greedy bastard voters’. They loved stuffing their faces with almost-free pub grub and the papers went nuts over it, so we should definitely do it again. Maybe in 2024, to pick a random date.

Promise the moon on a stick

With Brexit we promised all manner of fictional benefits, leading to excellent headlines like ‘IT’S A GLORIOUS NEW BRITAIN’. When people realise it was all bollocks we’ll just offer them other things they’d like but will never materialise, such as free trousers and hanging.

Announce something then ignore it

Everyone likes nurses, right? They’re kind, hardworking and vital if you’re ill. So we announced there’d be loads more of them. There aren’t, and there won’t be, but all the media reported it. Maybe we’ll lie about affordable housing next time. Sorry, just my little joke – we already did.  

Work with your chums in the press

No harm can come of pandering to the most xenophobic, petty-minded and mental tabloid readers. Expect to see more Daily Express headlines like: ‘GOVERNMENT ANNOUNCES PLAN TO DEPORT FRENCH CHEESE AND POODLES’.

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