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Woman reluctant to believe only way to one true love is dating loads of wankers

A SINGLE woman is struggling to accept that to find ‘the one’, she must first spend years of her life enduring the company of supreme twats.

Grace Wood-Morris, aged 27, has been dating since last April in the hope of finding the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with and instead has met many men she did not want to spend a whole f**king evening with.

Sheridan said: “I’m not cynical about love at all. In fact, I’m a big romantic, and I can’t wait to fall for a man who isn’t a total and utter wanker. I just need to meet him.

“But there must be a better way than going out every week for drinks with men who lecture me about my make-up and unironically enjoy Clarkson’s Farm.

“My friend Georgia said it’s the way it is, and she has no regrets about her year-long relationship with an estate agent who took out credit cards in her name then shagged her sister. Apparently it ‘taught her a lot about herself’. I feel I can skip whatever shitshow lesson that was.

“Apparently ‘you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince’. What the f**k? Why can’t the frogs stay in their nasty pond with their nasty skinny jeans and we skip straight to the prince? Might not be a fairy-tale, but saves on frogs and time.”

Oliver O’Connor, who is on a date with Wood-Morris this evening, said: “Only another 24 dickheads, arsehole and creeps after me before your soulmate, Grace! I run a sports supplements business and will make you watch MMA clips on my phone.”

Questioning the origin of your host's vodka jellies: six middle-class ways to hit back hard at Putin

DEVASTATED by Ukraine’s invasion but left feeling impotent? It’s time to hit back by using the full force of your middle-class powers: 

Tear up your Tchaikovsky tickets

Your precocious son Ignatius was so looking forward to the Russian State Ballet’s performance of Swan Lake, until the invasion. Then, even though he’s six, he piped up: ‘Mummy, I think posting our torn-up tickets on Instagram will send a powerful anti-imperialist message of solidarity.’ Wise words from one so young.

Question the origins of your host’s jelly vodka

It may seem rude, but it’s time we all paid more attention to the ethical sourcing of our witty after-dinner tipples. How are we going to take down Putin if we don’t all make little sacrifices like switching the Stolichnaya for Grey Goose?

Give your Estonian au pair a pay rise

Liisu has suffered so from this war. Your children now sounding Slavic because they spend so much time with her is just so precious. She may not be directly from Ukraine but her country probably borders it, so pay up then boast about it. To be the bigger person.

Divest your portfolio

Call your broker and demand they sell your shares in Gazprom, Yandex and Lada. Ignore protestations that it isn’t that simple and insist they get it done. Listen with interest as they advise that your returns could treble in a year if you stay in. End the call inconclusively.

Downgrade your company’s private box at Chelsea

Might seem a little extreme at first but it’s the right thing to do and somebody has to take a moral stand. Anyway, now they’re heading back to being the club that won nothing in the 1970s they don’t have the same cachet, and it leaves extra cash for a round of Bloody Marys.

Only sail on sustainable superyachts

It’s marvellous that Germany is impounding superyachts, but flying is unconscionable in the climate change emergency. So if offered a trip to Dubai on an oligarch’s boat only accept on the grounds of reducing your carbon footprint, and make sure to lecture your host on how Putin’s actions aren’t cricket while admiring his Pollocks.

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