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Woman regresses to moody 15-year-old the second she walks into parents' house

A WOMAN returning to her parents’ house for Christmas has regressed into her bad-tempered 15-year-old self.

Lucy Parry got out of her car a mature and thoughtful 31-year-old, but instantly transformed into her awful teenage self as she crossed over the threshold.

Boyfriend Oliver O’Connor said: “I was worried about meeting Lucy’s parents this Christmas in case they didn’t like me. It didn’t cross my mind I would end up not liking Lucy.

“She turned from a normal person into a stroppy, destructive nightmare the second she was exposed to her parents. Sort of like the Incredible Hulk, but in a suburban semi near Crawley.

“She’s been slamming doors, swearing, and spent the majority of yesterday evening skulking in her bedroom listening to My Chemical Romance while I watched Eastenders with her parents in an awkward silence.

“Now I can feel myself regressing too. I want to phone my mum to come and pick me up because I’m scared. This is like the sleepover from hell.”

Parry said: “Oh, piss off Oliver. I hate you.”

The crafty bastard's guide to regifting your Christmas presents

RECEIVED an unwanted Christmas present? Pass it on to someone you hate with these regifting tips.

Don’t rush things

You’re free to sit on a pair of salad tongs or A Funny Life by Michael McIntyre for years, even decades, before the right moment comes to rewrap it and foist it on some other poor unsuspecting sod. Maybe regift perishables sooner rather than later though. A tin of Turkish Delight that expired in 1997 might blow your cover.

Take it seriously

Any regifter worth their salt will compile a detailed inventory of who gave them which Christmas present and when. This is essential for avoiding gaffes like regifting within the same friendship group, or trying to palm off a present to the person who originally gave it to you. Although this would be an amazing passive-aggressive power move.

Invent a backstory

You can get away with anything so long as you have a convincing excuse. Even an Umbro Ice body wash set can be offloaded if you say it’s a precious family heirloom. The trick is to fool yourself into believing your new narrative, a technique used by many of history’s greatest liars, from Machiavelli right through to Tony Blair.

Don’t get sloppy

A master-regifter gets away with passing on tat because they have an eye for detail. Checking for tell-tale gift tags is basic shit, you should also be on the lookout for heart-rending dedications scribbled inside the cover of Ladybird Books for Grown-Ups. Even one slip up could result in you actually having to buy presents in the future.

Be a cold, heartless bastard

The biggest obstacle blocking most people’s desire to regift is their pathetic attachment to common decency. Erode your humanity by watching clips of Piers Morgan bellowing away on Good Morning Britain or reading Priti Patel’s borders bill and you’ll soon be enough of a heartless bastard to regift without giving it a second thought.

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