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Woman gives birth in pub so her husband can be there

A NEW mum gave birth in her local pub so that her husband could see his baby being born.  

Emma Bradford rushed down to the Bull’s Head as soon as her waters broke to ensure her partner Matt did not miss the miraculous event.

She said: “It’s lovely that Matt was able to see his baby being born. I mean, so did Steve the landlord, all the regulars and a group of girls on a hen night but it was nice that everyone cheered when it popped out.  

“I didn’t want to take the piss so I ordered a couple of beers and three bowls of warm water while I was in labour. 

“The bar towels came in handy and we even got to wet the baby’s head with a couple of proseccos and some cheese and onion crisps straight after. To be honest it was much better service than the hospital.” 

Husband Matt said: “That was the most incredible experience of my life. I won £10 on the triv machine and that’s never happened before.”

Pub landlord Steve Malley said: “I’m thinking of making this a regular thing, ‘Labour Wednesdays’. You get a free pint with every baby born and a discount on a carvery meal for twins.”

How to ignore all common sense with the 'rule of six'

WORRIED you may still trust your own judgement rather than blindly following instructions from renowned logician Boris Johnson? Try these hypothetical scenarios: 

Visiting friends

You are a family of four and are planning to see two friends, who have two children of their own. Since you’ll be in the house the children live in, with their parents, should you just take your kids with you? 

ANSWER: No. The children should be sent to their grandparents for the duration, and can only return after being made to eat Werther’s Originals. 

After-work drinks

You have spent the day in the office, where no social distancing measures have been installed but if you complain you’ll be fired, and fancy a drink with colleagues. But there are seven of you. As you’ve all been together all day surely that can’t hurt? 

ANSWER: No. Only six people who know each other can go to the same pub. The seventh must go to a different pub and join you by Zoom. 

School emergency

Your children’s school is closing at lunchtime because of suspected Covid cases and you are stuck at work. A fellow parent has offered to look after your two kids, in her garden for safety, but is already looking after four. Is that okay? 

ANSWER: No. Children would be safer roaming the streets than in a group of seven. Covid marshalls will be watching. You’ll be fined. 

Houseshare

You live with four housemates. After an evening at the pub where you mix and flirt with many others, you take a bloke home for a night of passion. But when you arrive you find two friends have popped round for a smoke. Are you safe if you take your paramour straight upstairs? 

ANSWER: No. Slake your filthy proletarian passions with a knee-trembler against the front door if you have to. Covid marshalls have the power to enter your home without warrant and imprison you without charge. 

Family

You and your husband have five children. Surely that’s okay? 

ANSWER: No. Put one up for adoption. Let them draw straws.

 

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