subscribe
/ Sign Out

Woman admits she loves constantly reminding husband to do things

A WOMAN has confessed that she gets a kick out of having to nag her husband because it makes her feel incredibly horny.

Lauren Hewitt says she has been asking her husband to replenish the toilet roll holder when it runs out for the entirety of their six-year marriage simply because it gets her off.

Hewitt said: “What I find the most sexy about Josh is that he’s incapable of doing anything around the house without me asking him a dozen times.

“It’s important to work at a relationship and Josh puts in a huge amount of effort at being a lazy, half-witted imbecile, which I find incredibly attractive.

“I can’t wait for the thrill of reminding him that maybe he could put his socks in the dirty clothes basket, or suggest it might be nice if he took the kids to the f**king park this weekend.”

Joshua Hewitt said: “It’s weird that Lauren says me doing bugger all around the house makes her horny, because she never seems to want to have sex with me. I’m starting to suspect she’s being sarcastic.”

'Rumpy-pumpy' and five other awful middle class phrases for sex

HAVE you been driven to using weird euphemisms for sex by an emotionally-stifled middle class upbringing? Stop using the following phrases immediately:

Bonking

A word completely devoid of any sexual dignity. ‘Bonking’ is the noise made by Timmy Mallet hitting someone over the head with a large rubber hammer. There is a reason that, in pornography, you will rarely, if ever, hear anyone utter the phrase, ‘bonk me harder’.

Have Relations With

The most stiffly formal phrase for sex imaginable, and for some reason the go-to of every uncomfortable middle class father struggling through a vaguely bawdy anecdote. Typically used in newspaper reports of royal affairs, it somehow always implies that the sex was underwhelming.

Hanky Panky

An oddly childish phrase for what is an exclusively adult act, ‘hanky panky’ is used by prurient curtain twitchers who suspect the woman over the road of having it with the milkman, when in fact it is a legitimate handover of dairy products. The user of this word does not get any themselves.

Do The Business

Thanks to your deeply repressed upbringing in a white-collar home, you now view sex as some kind of commercial transaction. Nothing will get your prospective partner in the mood quite like suggesting the raw animal sex they’re expecting has been carefully planned using an Excel spreadsheet.

How’s Your Father

Looking to instantly sour any sexually intimate moment? Then why not use a phrase that will make you think of one of your parents? It seems a near guarantee that anyone who has ever asked for some ‘how’s your father’ has ended up spending the night crying alone.

Next story ›