PENNY Mordaunt has taken up the role of ‘advisor’ with fag giant British American Tobacco. So if you stupidly thought smoking was bad for you, Penny is here to put you right.
Smoking leads to sex
The health benefits of sex are well-established. Smoking makes you more attractive, like Lauren Bacall or Mickey Rourke in 9½ Weeks, and therefore more likely to get laid. Conversely there are well-known health risks of not having sex, such as a man’s testicles exploding. I suggest you think about that next time you gamble with your health by not buying a packet of Marlboro.
My grandad didn’t smoke and he died from lung cancer aged 39
I’m not going to waste your time with stupid anecdotal evidence that doesn’t prove what I think it does. No, I want to tell you about my grandfather, who never touched a cigarette but died from lung cancer due to random genetic mutation. Sad, but the real tragedy is he could have enjoyed smoking 80 a day and not be any more dead.
It’s a workout for your lungs
The coughing and retching from smoker’s cough really gets your diaphragm in shape, probably. What’s more, cigarettes are lightweight and compact so they’re ideal for taking on a run. Rewarding yourself with a fag after each half-mile is a great incentive, so make a running checklist: good quality trainers, a fitness app like Strava, 20 Rothmans.
I’m reducing the harm
My role at BAT is in ‘harm reduction’, ie. attempting to counteract the bad effects of the product my employer makes, which is in no way confusing. I think we can all agree this is a genuine initiative by a company with a track record of aggressively encouraging tobacco addiction in developing countries, and not just some half-arsed PR bollocks about nicotine patches. I’m convinced of that, just like I was convinced by Brexit.
1950s doctors recommend it
Can we afford to ignore the opinions of all those doctors in the Lucky Strike adverts? Not to mention the thousands more who signed petitions in support of smoking in the health-conscious Mad Men era. There’s simply no way a professional person could be persuaded to make ethically dubious claims for large sums of money. What a ridiculous idea. Ha ha ha.
You’re free from the nanny state
Smoking is just one of many things nanny state do-gooders keep nagging us about. ‘Don’t drink and drive’, ‘Don’t get so fat you die’, ‘Don’t own a gun if you have mental health problems’. Do these moaners ever shut up? Like all libertarian Tories, I always find a moronic ‘slippery slope’ joke is a valid substitute for an actual argument, so how long is it before they ban wiping your arse in case you get a paper cut?
Pub gardens might save your life
Study after study has shown that social isolation is a killer, and being forced to smoke outside a pub is a great way to meet people. ‘Can I borrow a light?’, ‘Cold, isn’t it?’ and ‘I should really be giving up’ are just some of the scintillating conversations you’ll have. However your new friend will be going back to their real mates in 120 seconds and you’ll never see them again, so don’t get too fond.
