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When are women too quiet, and when are they gobby cows? A patronising man decides

HEY girls, I know times are tough for you, which is why I want to help you to find your voice. Here’s how to be assertive, but not in a strident, unfeminine way:

At work

Your boss hired you for a reason, and not just because of your pretty face. He wants to hear from you in meetings, so don’t be afraid to speak up and tell him you support his ideas. Be careful though: finding flaws or proposing alternatives will bring down morale. No one likes a Negative Nancy.

On telly

Speaking as a man, especially as a feminist, I’m sick of seeing women stuck in the background as nothing but eye candy. I want to you to step into the limelight and sing a lovely song, or talk about dresses and shoes. It would be a welcome distraction from those horrendous harpies telling ‘jokes’ about their periods.

Out and about

You hard-working ladies of the retail and service industries have been worn down for too long. So many of you have clearly been told not to even give me a smile, let alone compliment my purchases. Don’t be afraid to chit-chat, and agree with my complaints about those loud bitches in the corner who are laughing too much.

Online

It’s so hard to find a female who loves scrolling through viciously misogynistic men’s rights forums on Reddit, which is such a shame. Why not try it out? Say hi to us fellas next time you’re online, but don’t get mouthy and reject our sincere dick pics or we’ll be forced to call you a whore.

On dates

I’m going to be honest, I don’t want a girl without any personality, and I want her to be confident in herself. But have some modesty, it’s not all about you, you know! Is this really so hard to understand? I can explain again, slower this time if you need.

Just ask for a pay rise: the government's solution to falling wages

SO what if UK wages have been hit by soaring inflation? Get around yet another financial catastrophe with this governmental advice.

Just ask for a pay rise

It’s not a big deal that wages have not kept up with price rises. Simply kick open the door to your boss’ office, show them the bad news on your phone, then ask for a 20 grand pay rise. They’re bound to see your point of view, pick up the blower and ask HR to add a few extra zeroes onto the end of your pay packet. Problem solved.

Move in with your parents

Struggling to afford your recently doubled rent, let alone massive utility bills? Save some money by moving back in with your parents, who have had to move back in with your grandparents if they’re still alive. You’ll all be like one big happy Victorian pauper family as you huddle around a candle for warmth.

Cancel your Netflix account

The £10.99 a month you’re shelling out for Netflix is the source of all your financial misery. It’s why you can’t afford a house deposit or the £5,300 energy bill headed your way. The government’s doing all it can by begrudgingly giving you a grant of f**k all, so it’s time you pulled your weight by sacrificing one of the few joys left in your life.

Get another job

Yes, you’re working a poorly-paid day job, and then you spend your evenings at your even worse paid second job, but you could still be doing more. There must be a way you can monetise your sleep or unprofitable bathroom breaks, surely? The internet’s full of weirdos who would pay good money to watch that stuff.

Work for an energy company

Have you seen how much money they’re earning in bonuses? Even if you only worked there for a couple of months you’d probably be set for life. And how hard can it be to sit in an office and look at a graph where the profit line is vertical and extends through the ceiling? Email them your CV and then put your feet up.

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