IT can be hard to control yourself at the height of sexual passion, but it’s worth thinking before opening your mouth, if you’ve got time. Do not shout any of the following.
‘Watch out!’
Not only is this terrifying, your partner will have no idea what it means. It could refer to imminent ejaculation, or maybe you’re blurting out literally the first thing to pop into your head. If so, train yourself to say something inoffensive like ‘That’s good’ when you’re having a wank, even if it sounds a bit self-congratulatory. Whatever you settle on, remember panic and sexual arousal do not make good bedfellows, as any teenage boy who hears their mum coming up the stairs will tell you.
‘Coming!’
If you’re about to ejaculate, don’t confuse your partner by suggesting that someone has just called you to go and have your tea. If you have just been called for your tea, you’re probably a teenager having sex in your bedroom. Abruptly abandon your partner, stuff your face and bring her back a cold potato. That’s pretty normal romantic behaviour for a teenage boy.
‘It’s a new entry at number four!’
Telling your partner that they’re the fourth best shag you’ve ever had is a thoughtful, deeply flattering thing to do. However, it’s best conducted via a polite text message the following day when you’ve had time to mull it over. Verbally ranking them at the very moment of sexual ecstasy is likely to lead to errors of judgement and will put your league table out of whack. It’s also good not to sound like a Top of the Pops presenter when you’ve got your cock out. It has… associations.
‘Goal!’
You may be a keen football fan who’s pretty ecstatic about your orgasm, but likening sex to footie is wrong on quite a few levels. It’s not really something you’re meant to ‘beat’ your partner at, although her lack of an orgasm does suggest a decisive one-nil result. And even if it lasts for a thrilling 90 minutes, despite what many men believe, not all holes are goals.
‘The goods have been delivered!’
There’s an excellent reason why strippergrams don’t dress up as Amazon drivers. This phrase is so unsexy you might as well take a photo of your semen and email it to your partner as evidence of ‘delivery’. Shout anything like this and your next ‘parcel’ will be delivered by you, to you, alone in bed having been recently dumped. Still, at least you don’t have to worry about someone nicking it out of the porch.
‘Blobby, blobby, blobby!’
However much you loved the pink and yellow latex funster, summoning memories of Noel’s House Party during coitus is unlikely to lead to mutual satisfaction. If this is your lover’s ‘thing’ and you’ve been cajoled into some sort of Crinkley Bottom fantasy, then check they aren’t called Noel. If so, don’t bother finding your pants, just run before he suggests you hop in the ‘gunge tank’.
