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The government's lockdown sex rules, explained

THE government has issued clarification who is allowed to have sex with who, where, and when. Read on: 

Anyone making love indoors must do so with a member of their own household and is not allowed to do so during working hours if furloughed, because that would be mocking Rishi Sunak.

If no members of your household are available for sex, you are permitted to copulate with a cleaner, nanny or au pair provided the correct PPE is employed.

You may also have intercourse with a professional sex worker who visits your home. Designating a partner who lives in another property as a sex worker is illegal and what Tory MPs are already doing.

You are allowed sex with a partner who is not a member of your household in your garden, though you should maintain a minimum of two metres emotional distance at all times.

You may also have sex with someone from another household in a public place like a park, beach or the grounds of Buckingham Palace which you have requested the use of as prime minister.

No sexual partners are allowed to stay overnight at your property in case you become attached to them. They must be kicked to the kerb.

Finally, any or all of these rules may be retrospectively rewritten if Dominic Cummings is found to have violated them. Fines will not be refunded nor pregnancies voided.

Five food cupboard staples you can't eat yourself to sleep without

SLEEPING can be tricky, especiallly when you get up late and do nothing all day. So if you need to eat to the point of passing out like a milk-drunk baby, try these: 

Breakfast cereal

Stodgy cereals aren’t just for breakfast. Delicious and bloating, they’ll overwhelm your digestive system until you sink into a slumber so deep you’ll only wake up when the fibre has made its way through your system and is angrily crying for release.

Cheese

Cheese sits like a brick in your gut, ideal if you’re looking to settle in for the night. Cheddar is effective when eaten in block form like a lard sandwich. Brie also slides down a treat and, when soft, doubles as a bedtime drink.

Crisps

Potato, corn or maize crisps are both highly addictive and deeply unsatisfying, so when you’re looking to drift off more really is more. Try spicy seasonings for extra-fitful sleep, or meat flavourings if you want to wake up feeling like you passed out face-down on a kebab.

Biscuits

Essential as part of the sweet-savoury-sweet rollercoaster that inevitably leads to the land of nod, anyone who is serious about passing out mid-chew should have so many biscuits that they have their own cupboard.

Bread

Finally, from the humble slice to the mighty loaf, bread is nature’s sedative. Enjoy it with the sugar and/or fat-laden spreads that induce the most shame in those last moments before you black out. Then do it all again tomorrow.

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