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The best ways to get yourself out of the mood for sex

ARE you and your partner both in the mood to get down and dirty? Here are five excellent tips for ruining the moment before you’ve even got started:

Talk

The following topics are best avoided: the state of your relationship, the dog, China’s role in the Ukraine crisis, your bodies, the drains, your children and John Wyndham’s Day of the Triffids. Cheesy sex chat (‘You’re so big!’ etc.) is another no-no, unless you’re extremely crass. Worst of all is commenting on the fact you’re about to have spontaneous sex… not any more you’re not.

Wash

Popping off for a quick rinse is an unwelcome pause, and implies your groin is a vile cesspit. However it may be a good idea, especially with what you had in mind after watching that scene in Bridgerton together. It’s catch 22. What are you supposed to do, keep your sweaty sex parts sterile like an operating theatre all the time just in case? Come on, be realistic…

Clumsiness

Nothing will bring things screeching to a halt like causing accidental, not-at-all-kinky pain. Pubes caught in zips aren’t great, ball sacks caught in metal zips are worse. Try headbutting a nose or even a pubic bone. The possibilities are endless and the sexytime vibes are rarely recoverable. 

Play hunt the contraception

Scrabbling around trying to find a condom really puts the handbrake on sexual activity. If you want to kill it stone dead, start a blame game about your partner not being tidy/organised enough, or indeed ‘Why don’t you just go on the pill?’ Push it enough and you may escalate an awkward moment into a full-on break up. 

Give in to distraction

If you want things to get dry and flaccid fast, finishing a household chore on your way to the bedroom should do the trick. You’ll intend to just press ‘go’ on the dishwasher, but before you know it you’ll have fed the dog and deep-cleaned the oven. When you finally arrive in the bedroom, you’ll somehow be surprised to find your partner asleep naked on the bed, the inconsiderate bastard.

The vindictive bastard's guide to why a recession would be great

MANY voters in the UK are mainly motivated by seeing other people get shafted. Here total shit Norman Steele explains whose lives should be made miserable by the predicted recession.

Snowflakes 

I don’t mind admitting I’m in a state of sexual arousal at the thought of young people not being able to afford their precious iPhones and avocados. Obviously it’s a poor substitute for them being mown down by machine guns on the beaches of Normandy, but with Russia becoming increasing hostile there might be a nuclear war to toughen them up. We can but hope.

Protesters 

I don’t care what they’re protesting about. Probably keeping the Earth habitable or some left-wing bollocks like that. They’re all vegetarian so let’s hope tofu becomes unaffordable. That’ll ruin their lives for sure.

Otters 

I despise otters. Splashing around all day without a care in the world. Building a house without planning permission or paying a mortgage. Nice work if you can get it. Hopefully the recession will make environmental protection unaffordable, and the otters will all be poisoned. Yes, it’ll be a happy day when I see their bloated corpses floating down my local river. 

My neighbour who’s done better than me

A bloke round the corner has done alright for himself setting up a small chain of newsagents. Big house, nice car. So I’m hoping the recession puts paid to his fancy skiing holidays. I’ll still be having miserable holidays in a mildewed B&B in North Wales, but anything that inconveniences him is wonderful news for me.

Civil servants 

My nephew is a civil servant. He claims he earns 24k and works hard processing HGV licences in an understaffed office in Leeds. But we all know civil servants are on 300k and doss around at home drinking posh tea. So he’s not just a waste of space, he’s a liar too. Luckily we can’t afford these parasites anymore – well done Boris and Jacob – and they can all get proper jobs as plumbers. Yes, all 475,000 of them. I can’t see a problem with that.

Peppa Pig 

Peppa and her family are too cheerful for my liking. I’m hoping when the recession bites they end up homeless and Peppa and her brother are taken into care. Also it’s blatant vegetarian propaganda. I think Peppa should hop on a bacon slicer each episode to teach kids it’s right to eat meat.

About 78 other groups I hate

Buskers, diversity officers, doctors – the list goes on. And on. Let’s hope all these bastards end up skint, unemployed or depressed. It might sound as if I live in a world of endless petty vindictiveness, but I’m actually very easygoing for a Daily Mail reader.

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