Six great films about having sex with things that aren't human

RELATIONSHIP problems? Think it might be worth trying your luck with a different species or thing? As with all life decisions, Hollywood films are full of valuable advice.

The Shape of Water

Guillermo del Toro thinks he’s challenging conventional notions of male beauty with a woman having sex with a grotesque blue amphibian. But really it’s a no-brainer. He only knows a few words, so no droning on about his day at work or Aston Villa, and he’s easy to cook for – some fish flakes in his tank should do.

Under the Skin

Alien Scarlett Johansson is picking up men to study and dissolve in a pool of black goo. The rather bleak message: sex inevitably leads to a lonely, impersonal and terrifying death. On the other hand, it is Scarlett Johansson, so you’d definitely do it, you jammy bastard.

Solo: A Star Wars Story

It’s implied that Lando is shagging mechanical-looking robot L3-37, although it may just be crap scriptwriting. Either way, she says of human-droid sex, ‘It works.’ Unfortunately this calls to mind images of Lando trying to force his penis into a small slot like a parking meter. Male viewers will also be unable to shake off the suspicion that going out with Phoebe Waller-Bridge would be f**king hard work.

The Stepford Wives

Husbands are having their wives replaced with utterly obedient robots, although in real life you’d be scared of these creepy automata with their emotionless, repetitive conversation. It’s a passable satire on sexist 1970s attitudes which manages to be sexist itself by casting attractive Nanette Newman as ‘the frumpy one’, the bastards.

Blade Runner 2049

Replicant hunter K spends his evenings wanking over the hologram Joi, which seems like a definite technological step backwards from shagging 40s retro babe Sean Young. Maybe that’s why he’s so depressed and existential all the time.

Avatar

Did anyone except James Cameron find these blue New Age native American hippies attractive, with their too-wide-apart eyes and flattened Henry Cooper noses? If you’re trying non-human sex with blue things, have the courage of your convictions and shag Smurfette. You know you’ve always been secretly smurf-curious.

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Dear Donna. How can I deal with my arsehole boss? Nikolai, 3rd Spetsnaz Brigade

DEAR Donna,

My boss is a complete arsehole, ordering me and my colleagues to do things we’re not happy about, such as our current works outing to Ukraine, which he said was a three-day team-building exercise, but that was more than a month ago and we’re still stuck here and he won’t let us go home.

We’d love to tell him to get f**ked and quit, but he’s the kind of tinpot dictator who holds a grudge and would take revenge on us. How can we deal with him?

Yours,

Nikolai, 3rd Spetsnaz Brigade.

Dear Nikolai,

Unfortunately, we all have to deal with terrible bosses at one time or another, and yours sounds like a bit of a tyrant!

The first step is to make a formal complaint to HR and put it on record that you’re unhappy. You also need to begin keeping a diary of incidents where your boss crosses the line. It will help you cover your back in case the matter is escalated to middle management, and will be useful evidence for war crimes tribunal prosecutors in the Hague.

Another approach is to try to meet your boss in a more social setting, where the pressures of work aren’t foremost on his mind, and air your grievances. The fact he hasn’t joined you on the works outing speaks volumes about him. After all, good leaders lead from the front. Maybe email him and invite him to join you and your colleagues and see what he says.

The third approach is to overthrow him. Perhaps you and your colleagues could go to head office together, drag him out and string him up by his ankles from a lamppost outside. It’s drastic, but drastic measures can be the only solution with difficult colleagues.

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