subscribe
/ Sign Out

‘Shape of Water’ fish-man not much weirder than most of woman’s boyfriends

A WOMAN would not have a problem going out with a grotesque amphibious creature compared to most of the men she has dated, she has revealed.

After seeing The Shape of Water, Donna Sheridan reflected that the mute aquatic monster was actually more normal than her roll-call of oddballs, wankers and deadbeats.

Sheridan said: “The creature doesn’t talk, but that’s not really any different to Iain who used to silently read steampunk graphic novels every night, pausing only to feed.

“The fish thing is quite weird, with gills and whatnot. However compared to that hipster twat Marcus with his waxed moustache and ironic Cannibal Corpse t-shirts he’s very presentable.

“There’s a bit in the film where he eats a cat, but it’s not much more disgusting than Peter who used to fart unselfconsciously in restaurants.”

She added: “I could definitely see myself going out with a kind, thoughtful amphibian. I’m not that into swimming but exploring lakes and ponds has to be better than going to the pub with Lee’s arsehole five-a-side mates.”

You are never more than six feet away from a Dave

YOU are never more than six feet away from a bloke called Dave, researchers have discovered.

The Institute for Studies found that that every single person in the UK knows at least seven Daves at any given time and the Daves are now spread evenly across the entire country.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Traditionally, Daves were largely confined to pubs, snooker halls or at the ‘footy’ with the ‘Garys’ and ‘Ians’, but in recent years they have taken over offices and the gym.

“There’s probably at least one Dave under your desk at work. Meanwhile, always remember to check your shed and the boot of your car for Daves.

“There may even be a medium-sized Dave in your attic.”

He added: “We think Britain is now approaching peak-Dave as we have yet to find a Dave under the age of 10.”

Next story ›