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Sex positive man actually just very horny

A MAN who claims to have a liberating attitude towards sex is actually just desperate to get his end away, it has emerged.

Frustrated man Joseph Turner makes a big deal about how sex in all its forms should be embraced in the vain hope that a woman will find his progressive outlook attractive and touch his penis.

Turner said: “Blowies, tit wanks, facials, they’re all good. Hopefully I’m making all the ladies wet just talking about them.

“I’m not like other men with their selfish and backward views of sex. I think everyone should be free to do whatever turns them on with whoever’s up for it. And if that includes me and half a dozen busty bikini models, then so be it.

“I’ve also been doing loads of research on PornHub and it turns out people are into all sorts. Stepsisters, MILFs and Lisa Ann are just a fraction of my findings which prove sexuality is a broad spectrum.

“Anyway, that’s enough right-on small talk, fancy a shag? Not even a handjob? Please, it’s been years.”

Woman Nikki Hollis said: “I’m really into not shagging pathetic, morally bankrupt losers. It’s nice of Joseph to respect that.”

Bad news! We're keeping the £140 million, says Rwanda

RWANDA has sympathised with the UK about its unlawful deportation plan and confirmed it will be keeping the money.

The African country, which supporters of the plan are unable to locate on a map, said it could not be sorrier about the Supreme Court’s ruling and £140m from British taxpayers is small recompense for the hurt it feels.

Minister of state James Kabarebe said: “So sad for you guys. Still, every cloud.

“Looks like we won’t be having to house and treat with excessive fairness all those arrivals on small boats after all. But we had planned to, and planning costs money, and well.

“Hardly much in the grand scheme of things, is it? About six miles of unbuilt HS2? So don’t be knocking on our door asking for a refund because it’ll just make you look petty and mean and that certainly isn’t the way anyone thinks of Britain.

“Really hurts we won’t be taking any of your unwanted migrants. We had a room all ready for that one who came here, Braverman. She’s not a migrant? She was a government minister? Okay, well that’s a f**k-up averted.

“Sorry it didn’t happen, thanks for the cash, next time you fancy handing a fat wedge to a one-party state give us a call. Like your migrants, we’re not going anywhere.”

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