Parents finally meet daughter's booty call

THE parents of a 26-year-old woman are excited to finally meet their daughter’s casual sex partner.

Sarah McKay’s father Bill said: “We’ve heard so much about him these past few months, we thought it was about time to meet the man who’s been sexually satisfying our daughter every other Friday after a few ciders.

“By all accounts Tom is a charming young lad who seems to be really good with his hands.”

Sarah’s mother Jane added: “They grow up so fast. Before you know it they’re bringing home the man who’s giving them orgasms on an occasional basis.”

Sarah said: “I wasn’t sure if I was ready yet, but we recently had sex on my best friend’s futon, so I think it’s the right time.”

Booty call Tom Logan, added: “I was a bit anxious to meet them at first, but I really want them to know that their daughter can count on me whenever she feels like a proper shag.”

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Woman's natural state is brunch

A WOMAN has confirmed that her natural state of being is eating avocado toast and drinking wine before noon.

Brunch enthusiast, Emma Bradford said: “A few days ago a friend of mine asked me if I fancied brunch at the weekend, to which I immediately said, ‘Yes.’”

“Didn’t check my diary, didn’t ask where or for what reason, I just said, ‘Yes. Yes, I f*cking do’.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said, “For many women being in a state of brunch is far more natural than non-brunch things like working, parenting or having passive-aggressive conversations.”

Bradford added: “It doesn’t even have to be in a nice restaurant. A greasy spoon cafe is fine, as long as they serve Prosecco and Bloody Marys and they don’t mind if things get a bit messy.”

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