HAS 26-year-old Natalia slid into your DMs again? Horny for you, is she? Horny in a keeps-needing-money way? These rules will keep your bank account as untouched as your genitalia:
‘Look in the mirror, dickhead’
Strutting down Market Walk in Chorley, surveying the Greggs that passes for a town centre, when was the last time a gorgeous blonde sought out your company, unsolicited, fascinated with your stories about your bad hip and your son who hardly calls anymore? Never? But you believe it when it happens online?
‘Never believe in destiny’
The internet hold billions of lonely souls and even more bots. Yet you believe complaining about dog mess on neighbourhood groups has spontaneously propelled your one true love into your DMs, and that she’s a sexy Slovakian who loves crown green bowling and the name Reg. Destiny, or you follow so many salacious Instagrams you made yourself a target?
‘Have basic intelligence’
Why can’t Jax of Gabon ever manage a Zoom? Needs to buy a new webcam? Who has an external webcam? Are you communicating on MSM Messenger in 2004? And the regular phone is no good because he’s too shy, an odd bout of timidity from a man who claims to be an Olympic shot-putter and his country’s best hope of overthrowing the military junta.
‘Google her, for f**k’s sake’
It’s flattering that a woman combining a PhD in Microbiology at the People’s Socialist University of Wallonia with professional modelling manages to talk about your favourite Coronation Street characters for eight hours a day. But perhaps Google her fake university, her photos from 90s Gap adverts, or her bloody name before pledging love, yeah?
‘Never send nudes’
A nude photo, even if you are middle-aged, obese and profoundly unloveable, is currency. It can be used by the Ghanian gang you’ve dispatched it to not only for morbid entertainment but for blackmail and, given the viral potential of the image, expect them to open high.
‘Never send money’
At the moment you’re about to transfer your savings into the account of Drazen Raznatovic – ‘my brother’, Tatiana explains pre-emptively – wonder if this wasn’t the goal all along. Is it not slightly peculiar that she’s being held at immigration but can WhatsApp continually? Do they let you do that? Is she, perhaps, after your money without even giving you sex?
‘Don’t bother calling the police’
You gave someone cash because you’re stupid. That’s not a crime, though they might get a laugh out of it.
