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Nightclubs, and five other places where you will never find love

LOOKING for love? Struggling to meet people? These are the locations where it will never, ever happen for you: 

Nightclubs

True love that will last the ages needs time to flower. It also needs to hear what your paramour is saying without shouting over the bass bin. Neither of these things are going to happen in a nightclub, although you may be able to cop off with someone you’ll hope you weren’t seen with the following morning.

Pubs

In theory, pubs are the perfect place to find love. A cosy atmosphere and alcohol is on hand at all times to give you Dutch courage before approaching the object of your woozy affection. Sadly their clientele consists of established couples out on date night, or old f**kers steadily drinking themselves into an early grave, neither of which are your type.

Work

Crossing the streams of work and love is a bad idea for a reason: if you f**k up one the other will suffer. It’s not worth asking out Nikki from facilities, because in the unlikely chance she’s interested it’s not worth risking the salary that barely covers your studio apartment. Instead, try to fall in love with Excel and your overdue Q3 profit report.

Dating apps

Notice how they’re called ‘dating’ apps and not ‘find the love of your life’ apps. They’re tailored towards user engagement instead of matching you with your soulmate, because if you find a soulmate they lose a user. The developers could easily create an algorithm which instantly pairs you with your perfect partner, but there’s no money for them in that. So they won’t.

The gym

Gyms are filled with toned, athletic people, which is great for shallow twats. However these Adonises and Aphrodites are too busy trying to do one last rep or beat a personal best to listen to your chat-up lines. The only thing they can ever love is their own reflection, so don’t f**king bother.

In the park

Strolling through your local park with an adorable hound is a foolproof way of finding love, so rom-coms claim. In reality you’ll get approached by babes fawning over your pooch while barely giving you a second glance. Perhaps the plastic bag full of shit you’re swinging playfully is putting them off.

Why I have no choice but to join your table, by the creepy old man in the pub

GOOD evening, is this chair taken? I don’t need it for my own table, I’m joining yours for the evening. Here’s why.

You’ve got a relationship that needs ruining

You both look very happy, and if I may say so you’ve done very well for yourself. Allow me to point out your partner’s many desirable physical attributes which you will never be able to admire again without my lecherous face leering in your mind. I hope this doesn’t prompt your eventual break-up but if it does here’s my number, sweetheart.

Staring is best done up close

When I was doing my intrusive staring from across the bar you were able to avoid my lewd gaze by pretending to be fascinated by the label of your beer bottle. There’s no escape from my ogling now I’m only a foot away though. Don’t worry, I’ll ask a series of probing questions to distract from my darting looks at your chest and crotch.

You need educating

I couldn’t help but overhear the hushed conversation you and your friends were having about the state of the world. Allow me to educate you about culture, politics, religion and sexuality with a rambling monologue of ill-informed opinions scraped from the Daily Express comments section. No, there will be no pauses to change topic or escape to the toilet.

I’m lonely

Please don’t get up and leave. I’m such a sad, lonely old man who has no option but to seek solace in the company of attractive young people such as yourselves. Ignore the messages and missed calls from my wife asking me where I am, they’re from scammers who are trying to steal my pension. Although if she comes in here tell her it wasn’t me on the fruit machine.

I’ve made a personal revelation

If it looks like you’ve reached the limit of my ramblings, I’ll lock you in as you reach for your coats by making a wild personal discovery. You can’t leave me after I just remembered I ran over a guy in 1978 and never stopped to check if he was okay. That’s right, sit back down. We’re in this together until last orders.

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