IT’S emerged that murderer Lyle Menendez, recently featured in a Netflix true-crime drama, is dating a young British student. And he’s not the only undeserving person who’s having more sexual success than you…
Doggers
You’re not criticising their lifestyle choice – live and let live, what people do in their own Hyundai is up to them, etc. No, it’s what doggers look like: unattractive Steve McFadden types, or, if female, Steve McFadden with breasts. Meanwhile relatively normal-looking non-perverts like you are left on the shelf. Clearly there isn’t a God. Or if there is, he’s into dogging.
Netflix murderers
Lyle Menendez and his brother Erik gruesomely killed their parents with shotguns in 1989, which was recently dramatised on Netflix. Despite a life sentence, Lyle has recently starting ‘dating’ 21-year-old Manchester University student Milly Bucksey, and before meeting her actually got married twice in prison, first to a cute Swedish fan and then to a lawyer. Lyle doesn’t get conjugal visits, but he’s doing more theoretical shagging than you, and you’re free to go outside without getting shot.
The morons who write to Dear Deidre
How do these Sun-reading cretins manage to end up in so many thrilling threesomes and illicit shags with hotties at work? The liaisons can’t all be made up, so thousands of white van Engerland tossers must be having more sex than you. At least it’s unlikely any of them look like the models in the photos, so their antics are more likely to resemble group sex in Mordor.
GPs
Your beef with GPs who shag their patients is not, oddly, them abusing a position of trust, but the number of potential partners the jammy bastards meet at work. You’ve been stuck in an office for six years with the same 20 co-workers, who are all either the wrong sex, married, or twats like Gavin. Who do GPs meet at work? Tens of thousands of people in the practice catchment area. Frankly they should be applauded for not shagging more patients, because you’d be trying to pull anyone vaguely attractive under 50 who came in for treatment. Assuming it wasn’t for herpes.
Your divorced dad
Divorced dads are in demand among divorced ladies, and if they’re a ‘silver fox’ may even be snaffling some of your share of younger women. Either way your dad having more sex than you is incredibly unfair and against evolution because he should have stopped mating years ago. The worst thing is you can’t say anything about it without looking like you’ve got an Oedipus Complex.
Prison warders and inmates
You’re not a hanging-and-flogging nutter, but you do feel criminals shouldn’t be rewarded for breaking the law with sex. And their guards shouldn’t be doing it with them because surely it undermines the deterrent effect of prison if every time you get done for burglary you get a shag? However it seems crimbos get to have actual sex while you’re forced to make do with law-abiding wanking. The only consolation is that making love in prison must be incredibly horrible and depressing – even worse than a Holiday Inn Express.
Spectrophiliacs
At least two British women have recently claimed to be shagging ghosts, one who apparently married a Victorian ghost somehow, and another who claimed to have slept with 20 spirits. Let’s hope she used imaginary condoms. You don’t begrudge mad attention-seekers their delusions, but it rankles that they’re cheating their way to sexual success. Your sex life is crap but you won’t be saying to your mates in the pub: ‘I’ve met this really nice woman. Quite attractive too.’ ‘What’s her name?’ ‘Nefertiti.’
