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Captain Tom's daughter sets up charity to help victims of Captain Tom Foundation

HANNAH Ingram-Moore has set up a charity to help innocent victims of buying Captain Tom cash-grab books filled with mawkish life lessons.

The charity, which is funded by leftover book deal money that did not go towards a pool and a spa, will offer support to anyone who believed in the magic of a money-raising World War II veteran for a small monthly fee.

Captain Tom’s daughter said: “I understand that you’re hurting. You thought an adorable old man staggering around his garden was immune to scandal. Let me, the root cause of this bullshit, make you feel better.

“With our basic package, my charity will email you encouraging messages lazily copy and pasted from ‘his’ book Tomorrow Will Be A Good Day. But if you really want to recover from my misleading use of funds, it’s going to cost you.

“For just £20 a month I’ll personally send you a generic pre-recorded apology, and I’ll even chuck in a photo of Captain Tom looking happy in Barbados. No, no, I insist, you helped pay for that holiday so it’s only fair.”

She added: “Millions of you lapped up, I mean were deeply affected by, his books, so I expect I’ll have my work cut out. Donate now so I can selflessly make sure everyone gets the help they need.”

Six punches John Prescott could have thrown to make Britain better

FORMER deputy prime minister John Prescott, whose greatest achievement was punching a protester, has passed on. If only he had punched these too:

Tony Blair

Just to keep him honest. Just to keep him focused on the issues he was swept into office for, rather than throwing it all away on Iraq. No reason, no warning, but every so often, post-cabinet meeting, a casual turn, a dropped shoulder and wham. ‘That’s how we do it at comprehensive school in Prestatyn, you smarmy f**ker. To keep you in line.’

Saddam Hussein

And speaking of Iraq, did we really need an entire war when we had Prescott on hand? The same age as Saddam, both powerfully built, he could have settled the whole conflict by challenging the despot to a good old-fashioned post-pint punch-up in the car park of a flat-roofed pub in Hull. And lamped him one right in the ‘tache.

The Millennium Dome

‘They’re building bloody what? A big tent on the Thames? And they’ve no idea what the bollocks they want to put in it apart from a giant crouching nude boy? Get it over here. You that Dome, mate? Have this. There. He won’t be giving you any more trouble. Use the land for affordable housing, for cock’s sake.’

The iceberg in Titanic

The optimism of New Labour’s election was blunted by two tragedies: the death of Princess Diana and the film Titanic. Even Prescott’s right arm couldn’t have stopped the first, but the former ship’s steward would have seen that iceberg coming, shattered it with one blow, ensured the ship reached New York and restored faith in British engineering.

Big Brother

If a man with Prescott’s common sense had stepped in, early doors, and told reality TV it was not buggering about making dirt-cheap shite for decent licence-payers on his watch, delivered a solid twatting to the jaw and added ‘Get it scripted, son’ then Love Island and MAFS would not be blighting the lives of the young today. Wouldn’t that be a better world?

Russell Brand

The man was clearly a wanker back then, high on My Booky Wook and obscene phone calls to Andrew Sachs. It’s always been clear all he needs is a stern father figure to stop him pissing about and get him back on track. A wallop to the jaw from Prescott would have set him, and the whole country, to rights. Sorted.

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