THE Daily Mail has rightly shamed Gen Z for favouring ‘woke’ sandwich fillings like avocado and foreign cheese. But at Pret a Gammon our sandwiches are all resolutely traditional. Try one of these.
Cheese and onion
A sandwich the Mail says Gen Z are rejecting, along with the king of condiments, salad cream. We’re putting that right with big pieces of white onion and Happy Shopper mild cheddar in processed bread, all slathered in salad cream with its great taste of vinegar, wood glue and vomit.
Prawn mayonnaise without filthy French mayonnaise
Young people like mayonnaise, which is widely held to be French, although it more likely originated in Menorca. Either ways it’s foreign muck so there’s none of it on our prawn sandwich, which instead uses Bovril.
Bacon and turnip
If you’re anything like us, you’d rather starve than eat a trendy woke bacon and avocado sandwich that will probably turn you transgender. We’ve replaced the liberal metropolitan elite fruit with unambiguously heterosexual raw turnip, served between two slices of Mothers Pride. That’s Mothers Pride, not Two Gay Dads Pride.
Spitfire sandwich
A 1:72 scale Airfix Spitfire in a white bap. Eating hard plastic carries a significant choking risk, but stop being a snowflake and show some respect for our brave young men who died in the Battle of Britain.
Serf and TERF sub
A roll filled with unpleasant Coronation chicken to show you know your place and submit yourself to the authority of our much-loved, highly-respected King Charles. Comes with a pot of trans-exclusionary radical feminist dipping sauce: blue for cisgender men and pink for biological women, with no other options. Has an oddly bitter taste.
Racist cob
Celebrate the fine British tradition of being racist about food with a crusty roll inspired by ‘humorous’ casual racism. Choose from: Thieving Welshman (leek), We’ve Got the Recipe Now So F**k Off (curry) and Cat Chow Mein (actually chicken due to Health & Safety regulations cooked up by Eurocrats when Britain was a failed state pre-Brexit).
Dead Argie in a bun
Sadly we can’t kill real Argentinians, so the Argie in question is one of Argentina’s famous beef cows. So yeah, it’s just a beef sandwich. But it comes with a Union Jack on a cocktail stick so you can reenact the recapture of Port Stanley.
English mustard between two slices of English mustard
The Mail found that younger generations are rejecting English mustard which we’ve enjoyed since it was invented in 1720. Show today’s pampered youth what true patriots are made of by needlessly setting your tongue, gums and nasal passages on fire.
Roast beef and more roast beef in not-a-baguette
Who needs anything more than patriotic roast beef in a sandwich? The bread may resemble a French baguette, but it’s actually a Crusty English Long Roll, as eaten at the Battle of Agincourt, where stale ones were used to club the French wounded to death.
Spam and margarine
The wartime classic. As you chow down on the actually-quite-revolting processed meat and flavourless spread, realise you’d really prefer a tasty avocado and prosciutto panini from the Italian cafe across the road. Refuse to buy one out of good old self-defeating British bloodymindedness.
