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Married couples not at all jealous of single friends' adventures

MARRIED couples have confirmed that they feel no envy whatsoever of their single friends’ so-called dating adventures. 

After being regaled with yet another story that could be summed up as ‘I got drunk and shagged a freak from Tinder’, Tom and Nikki Logan admitted their feelings are more akin to sheer f**king relief.

Nikki said: “Our mates think they’re treating the dull marrieds to another instalment of their thrilling love lives, but quite honestly we couldn’t give a shit.

“We’re snuggled up, reflecting smugly on our love, commitment and how our double incomes are paying the mortgage off quite nicely thanks, and my phone pings with a text from Lauren overanalysing a date with some knobhead with a tattooed dick.

“Or she’ll phone to tell us about dating a bloke who seemed normal until he insisted on having sex to the Dam Busters March while being called Squadron Leader.

“Then she has the nerve to think we must be bored rigid and yearning for the fun, free single life she has. Like we didn’t couple up to get away from all the nutters in the first place.”

Lauren said: “Yeah, I know, it’s f**king grim. But I have to present it as a wild ride or I’m just drinking pitchers at Wetherspoons with interchangable twats.”

Ten great healthy foods that whoops sorry they'll kill you

ASPARTAME in lovely healthy sugar-free Diet Coke is a carcinogen, it turns out, and these other healthy options you’ve dutifully stuck to will also prove fatal: 

Plant-based milk

Drinking dairy is pretty much like downing pints of poison. Oat and almond milk are virtuous alternatives glowing with health, until you realise they’re 10 per cent oats and the rest is oil and water run through processes that aren’t even legal to test on rats.

Red wine

Alcohol raises your cancer risk, but a glass of red wine a day cuts your chance of Alzheimers. But the tannins silt up your brain cells, then again the anti-oxidants cure heart disease. You’re f**ked either way.

Vegan meat

Reassuringly expensive, protein-based and mark you out as superior – ah bollocks, they’re ultra-processed which is the new bad thing. Have an old fashioned gristle-and-arseholes burger instead.

Salad

Pre-bagged salad is virtuous, right? It’s just plant leaves that lose all their nutrients and are washed in chlorine to kill bugs and also you. You might as well eat lead.

Brazil nuts

Full of selenium and fibre and radioactivity. Radioactivity? The good kind of radioactivity, you ask hopefully?

Granola

You quit your sugar-laden, tasty cereal for something virtuous, until you check the label and realise your joyless muesli has more sugar in than a bumper pack of fudge-frosted marshmallows.

Yoghurt-coated dried fruit

As calorific as a Mars bar and not even a twentieth of the pleasure. Plus come in tiny packs which make you feel like a toddler whose snacks are obsessively monitored.

Apples

An excellent part of your five a day, unless they were sprayed in pesticides in which case the vicar will say ‘If only she had been able to curb her lust for apples’ at your funeral.

Water

Need to feel full? Don’t want to die? Knock back nice, harmless H20 from the tap which is full of hormone residues, volatile organic compounds and microplastics. It’s essentially hemlock.

Air

Fine. Stick to nice, plain air that never hurt anyone, if you don’t count the emissions of car exhausts, wood burners and heavy industry. Do you even want to live? Then why are you breathing this shit?

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