subscribe
/ Sign Out

Married couple who spontaneously had sex still reeling

A MARRIED couple who spontaneously had sex with each other cannot get over the shock.

Tom and Eleanor Shaw, who have been together for eleven years, previously believed they had slipped comfortably into a sexless union of convenience that would last the rest of their lives.

Eleanor Shaw said: “I thought we’d reached the stage where we felt towards each other like siblings who weirdly had kids, and all our shagging was done.

“But then last night, it just happened. There was no birthday obligation or anything. Just raw, animal sex, if the animals had done it so many times previously that they had developed a well worn routine.

“We’ve decided to celebrate this landmark day as another anniversary. Then we’ll feel obliged to make ourselves have run-of-the-mill sex one more time per year.

“Well, maybe. Or we might just sack it off and watch Succession again.”

How to feed a family on 80p a week, by social media dickheads

STRUGGLING to make bountiful meals for your kids on a budget of pennies? It’s not that hard, you lazy free school meals scrounger. Here’s how a dickhead on social media whips up feasts for next to nothing.

Break down the spending

Did you know that for just 7p you can feed a family of four for a week on a tasty lasagne made of newspaper and jam? Of course, you didn’t. Because I made it up just to prove my sociopathic point.

Utilise handy cooking hints

Risotto is a cheap and easy meal that anyone can make, if they have the time and inclination to twat around with rice for hours after working knackering hours for little pay. Also, the salty tears of your sobbing children make a lovely stock.

Read a recipe book

Poor people are idle layabouts who could whip up three course meals for next to nothing if they could be bothered to look up from their brand new iPhones for long enough to read a recipe. Or they could cut out the pictures and eat them. It’s all they deserve.

Live on a diet of water

As well as being healthy, water comes right out of the tap so you don’t even need to pop to the shops for more. A few glasses of water with a side of ice cubes fresh makes for a hearty dinner, plus you’ll be able to taste the money you saved in each flavourless bite.

Grow your own food

Of course, you wouldn’t need to go hungry if you grew organic vegetables in your garden like I do. No matter that you don’t have the time or money to spend carefully coaxing them to life, or indeed a garden. That’s no excuse, you feckless layabout.

Next story ›