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Man cheats on Bag for Life with slutty 30p carrier

A MAN has shunned his trusty reusable bag to begin a brazen affair with a supermarket’s expensive plastic carrier.

Stephen Malley started the illicit relationship after leaving his tattered Bag for Life in the car during an impromptu trip to Sainsbury’s and being seduced by the forbidden thrill of buying a single-use one.

Malley said: “I wasn’t looking for this. It just happened. The carrier was in the right place at the right time.

“I’m not a bad person, but I’ve got needs. A man gets bored of being good. Do you blame me for not wanting to dutifully traipse back out into the car park when the easy option was right in front of me?

“But I’m not an idiot. I know how this goes. I’ll be besotted by this new bag for a fortnight, taking it everywhere I go, beguiled by its exciting newness and the lack of dust and lint gathering in the corners.

“And then suddenly I’ll be sick of it, and I’ll use it to gather all the rubbish from inside the car and dump it in a service station bin without a second thought. But will the old Bag for Life take me back?

“Well, obviously. It’s not the same as the time I did this to my now ex-wife.”

Five subjects to swerve at all costs in a best man's speech

FRIEND getting hitched? Been given the honour of being best man? Don’t f**k it up by dragging these skeletons out of the closet.

His former sex life

Laddish tales of historical sexual conquests might have been a laugh on the stag do, but now he’s paired up for life you need to act like that time he shagged a girl he’d just met in a nightclub toilet never happened. The in-laws don’t want to imagine him having sex with anyone, especially their precious daughter, so avoid the topic altogether.

He was seeing someone else when they met

Despite the fact that his new wife was also seeing other people before they went exclusive, mentioning other women is going to lodge him in the minds of his new family as a dirty scoundrel and he’ll never be able to shake it. ‘Once a cheat, always a cheat’, they’ll whisper to each other over Christmas dinner for the next two decades, until it gets to the point where he does cheat, just to escape their judgemental muttering.

Those debauched nights out

You and his mates might think it’s brilliant when he sinks ten pints of Stella and ends the night dancing on the roof of a car with a traffic cone on his head. The in-laws won’t. Their daughter is a sheltered, gentle soul who has never been exposed to such rowdy, uncouth behaviour. Then again, they didn’t see her getting a lap dance from a male stripper after a dozen espresso martinis on her hen do.

I hope it lasts longer than his last marriage

Oh shit. He’d confided in his bride-to-be about how he had foolishly got married when he was far too young and it all went tits up inside 12 months. Trouble is, she’d never told her parents because she knew they’d consider him a waster unable to handle the solemn responsibility of holy matrimony. Which they’re doing right now. Well done, you dickhead.

Shagging the bridesmaids

Perhaps, back in the 70s and 80s, you might have got away with a seedy joke about wanting to have sex with the bride’s closest and most treasured friends. But times have changed and now you’ll just sound like an absolute creep and make the groom look like he’s got a best mate who should be on some kind of register. Just say they look lovely, and leave it at that. They’ll be more likely to actually sleep with you that way.

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