YOUR girlfriend is electric in the sack, but is it because she’s imagining you’re someone else? Take our quiz.
Does she call out your name?
A) Occasionally, but not often. She’s called me ‘Tom’ instead of ‘David’ a few times, but her ex was called Tom and they were together for years, so I guess old habits die hard when she’s distracted in the throes of passion.
B) All the time! Though she always seems to pause before she does. Probably having to catch her breath because the sex is so wild. I’d just be being paranoid if I thought it was her making sure she got my name right.
Does she have her eyes open or shut during sex?
A) Always tightly closed. I think the sheer intensity of our couplings means she can’t take any more external stimuli. The sight of my super-hot orgasm face would tip her over the edge too quickly.
B) Wide open, though usually looking over my shoulder as opposed to drinking in the undeniable beauty of my visage. I quizzed her about once, but she said she’s short-sighted, and looking at anything that close up gives her headaches, which is fair enough.
What gets her in the mood?
A) It’s quite random, but she often seems oddly aroused right in the middle of watching TV. Especially if it’s a re-run of Poldark, or, come to think of it, anything with Ryan Gosling in it. I think she probably just gets bored watching Barbie for the umpteenth time now, and decides she’d rather be having sex together. I know I do.
B) She’s got some interesting kinks. At the moment she gets quite hot under the collar when she tells me about visiting the dog park and talking to a guy named Joe who owns a Golden Retriever, which I put down to her being a passionate animal lover.
Is she into role play?
A) Yes, she gets really steamy by getting me to dress as a policeman. Which is a coincidence, as Colin the guy who’s just moved in next door is a copper. It’s quite a new thing too. I don’t mind, but still feel a little uneasy when she handcuffs me to the headboard.
B) No, she’s not interested in faffing around with all that these days. The sex is a bit perfunctory, but maybe that’s just what happens when you’ve been together for a while.
Have you ever suspected her of having an affair?
A) Only once, but when I confronted her about it she flatly denied it, which put my mind at rest. It was a few years ago now, and she hasn’t been working late at the office since her old boss left. I guess her new manager is just less of a slave driver, the poor thing.
B) No, never. She hasn’t looked at another man since we met. How do I know? Well, I just presume, that’s the kind of bovinely placid and emotionally unintelligent guy I am.
Mostly As. Yes, she’s thinking about someone else. And not always the same one. The neighbour, her ex, random cock off the telly. Anyone but you, who she isn’t really attracted to anymore, but moving out would be a real pain in the arse.
Mostly Bs. No, she’s not. She doesn’t need to fantasise about someone else during intercourse with you because she’s already shagging them on the side. You won’t confront her about it though, because you can’t be bothered to move house either.
