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How to do a 'date' if you’ve never been on one

GOING on a ‘date’ is worrying if all your previous relationships have been based on drunken snogs. Here are the basics of what to do:

Turn up 

A good start to a date is to actually go. The options on Tinder are many, but you shouldn’t just ignore actual human beings because you’re a bit tired and fancy a pizza instead. Even if you’ve ordered chicken wings.

Look good

Greasy, matted hair and a weird beard isn’t a good look for men. For women, make a basic attempt at dressing yourself in outdoor clothes, even if you’ve spent the last 18 months in sweaty pyjamas.

Talk about your achievements as much as possible

You’ve got to make yourself seem impressive. It doesn’t matter if the other person barely has time to speak – keep hammering home interesting facts, such as how you’ve been promoted to deputy logistics manager, or are repairing your motorbike.

Talk about your family 

Anyone on a date wants to know about your family stuff, eg. your sister-in-law is thinking of moving to Worcester. Your mum’s angina is also a topic that will have people hopping into bed with you. The trivia of their nearest and dearest will be dull, but yours is endlessly fascinating.

Discuss sex immediately

Ask if the other person will have sex with you within five minutes of meeting for the first time. If not, leave. Restaurants can be quite expensive, so you’ll have saved at least £15. Also put the free breadsticks in your pocket.

Compliment your date

Everyone likes to be flattered. Try saying things like: ‘You have beautiful arm hair’, ‘I like your large breasts’ or ‘You’ve got a nice face despite being overweight’. If they don’t immediately slap you over your ham-fisted attempts at being nice, they might be marriage material.

Chuck your pint at the ceiling: the twat's guide to watching footy in the pub

TONIGHT’S the night. Been lucky enough to snag a table down your local boozer? Here’s how to ruin it for everyone else:

Keep the bar staff busy

The staff would love to enjoy the game along with everyone else, so ruin their day by giving them the runaround with lots of picky, annoying requests. With any luck, they’ll miss a 30-yard screamer while they’re out back searching for a bottle of grenadine to make that Gin Daisy cocktail you’ve ordered, like a wanker.

Provide your own commentary

Spend the whole match talking non-stop to no one in particular. Punctuate your chat with groans, yells and a couple of startling high-pitched screams, as well as insightful observations like ‘He’s shit, that Pickford’ and ‘Isn’t Wembley massive?’ Fill any dead time by telling people on neighbouring tables that Gary Lineker gets paid £1.3m a year for doing f**k all.

Order loads of food

If the menu says ‘Food served ’til 9pm’ it’s your right as a customer to order a full roast dinner at 8.59pm, especially as you’ll need something to soak up the nine pints of lager you’ve sunk. Also, feel free to aggressively ask anyone who orders ‘pro-Italian’ dishes like pizza or pasta why they hate this country.

Sing Three Lions on repeat

If you were at Wembley, randomly breaking into snatches of Three Lions would be totally appropriate. Endlessly yelling it in a small pub full of people desperately trying to concentrate on a screen is not. For maximum annoyance, bellow a couple of choruses of Vindaloo during any tense free-kick moments.

Throw your pint

This is England’s first major final in over 50 years, which means nothing is off limits. You might not be in a fan zone in Hyde Park on a balmy July evening, but it doesn’t mean you can’t throw your pint if England score. And if the landlord of The Royal Oak is left picking bits of glass out of the ceiling for the next four years, so be it.

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