GETTING it on with a hot stranger only to be faced with their dead grandma staring back at you? Here are some more tats guaranteed to put you off your stroke.
Their ex’s name
It’s not about jealousy, it’s that it proves they’re the kind of absolute idiot who thinks permanently inscribing someone else’s name on their body is a good idea. And you’re having sex with them. How humiliating.
Hitler
This one is both a f**king idiot and a fascist. Not a winning combination.
A portrait of granny
Want to see granny smiling beatifically back at you when you strip someone’s shirt off? No, not even in badly-rendered tattoo form.
Hello Kitty
Or any other children’s character. They’re an infantilised simpleton, which is never sexy.
Bad spelling
Met a woman with ‘NO REGERTS’ tattooed across her lower back? You’ve got regerts now. Big time.
Anything in a language they don’t speak
He thinks it says ‘Your mind is your most powerful weapon’. You can’t read Cantonese either but you’ve looked at enough Chinese menus to recognise it’s the symbols for prawn toast.
St George’s Cross
He’s either obsessed with football or a bit of a racist. Or really, really into the Crusades. None of which make him a keeper.
Macho animals
Nothing says ‘no imagination’ like an eagle, tiger, wolf or snake. You’d be more impressed if they had something original like an axolotl, but it’s still not something you want to be looking at when you’re trying to have an orgasm.
Tattooed genitals
They hate themselves but mask it with humour. Go home immediately.
A DIY job
This person also hates themselves but doesn’t try to hide it. Go home even quicker.
Cannabis leaf
Weed is their whole personality and they will be mind-numbingly tedious once the sex is out of the way.
Harry Potter-themed
This person hasn’t even got a personality, just an obsession with a poorly-written children’s book series which they should have got over years ago.
ACAB
Stands for ‘All Coppers Are Bastards’ and a popular one to get while in prison. Might want to ask what they’ve been up to for the previous ten years.
An obvious cover-up
Why have they got a huge black square on their arm? Is it covering up a giant swastika? You’ll never know but you’ll always wonder.
Tribal tattoo
When asked about it they say it’s a symbol of belonging in the Māori Tākitimu tribe. Which is weird because they were born in Swindon.
Huge back tattoo of a famous person
Have they got a massive picture of Pat Butcher inscribed onto their back? They are impulsive, reckless and possibly insane.
‘Daddy’s girl’
Deep-seated, terrifying issues. Run for your life.
