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Girlfriend's anecdote needs to be more second screen-friendly

A GIRLFRIEND’S anecdote needs to be simplified so that her boyfriend can follow it while looking at his phone, it has emerged.

Lauren Hewitt’s account of her day contains too many intricate details about her stressful work presentation and a falling out with her WhatsApp group for boyfriend James Bates to easily understand it while scrolling Instagram.

Bates said: “Lauren needs to dumb down. If I can’t even give gripping Netflix dramas my undivided attention then her tedious, rambling stories don’t stand a chance.

“She’s delusional if she thinks her anecdotes can compete with an endless torrent of content algorithmically tailored to my interests. Aggressively repeating key details is her best chance of being noticed in the current media landscape. 

“I’d start by ditching the bit where she talks about what she had for lunch. It’s not just boring, it doesn’t tie into the plot about her stressful commute or the annoying text she got from her mum, both of which need punching up themselves.

“Of course, when I decide to tell her about a funny meme I’ve just seen, I expect her to shut up and listen. It’s just polite.”

Hewitt said: “James is right, I need to make my content stand out. I’ll maximise user engagement by telling him he’s in danger of not having sex tonight.”

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Oasis fans rightfully divested of money better spent elsewhere

INTERNET scammers have performed the public service of removing wealth from Oasis fans and returning it to the wider, non-Oasis-based economy.

More than £2 million recovered from men who had accumulated it despite their only skill being drinking ten pints of lager while wearing a bucket hat will now be redistributed by capitalism.

A Treasury spokesman said: “Huge sums which, without action, would have gone straight to the Gallagher brothers have been diverted to more deserving causes.

“Thanks to the hard work of fraudulent middlemen, millions that could have been spent on a horribly overblown new album is back in the economy. Which could drastically reduce the number of guitar overdubs and cut out the children’s choir entirely.

“If only we’d had such a service when boomers were paying £220 for limited edition Pink Floyd box-sets then Roger Waters wouldn’t be so obscenely rich. Wouldn’t that be a better world?”

46-year-old Oasis fan Steve Malley said: “I was prepared to pay £900 just to be in the same stadium as a man atonally howling ‘What’s the story, morning glory’.

“It’s hard not to argue that money would be better spent almost anywhere else.”

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