LOVING relationships with human beings have their moments, but can they really hope to compete with these five stunning acts of self-abuse?
Surprise opportunity wank
You love your partner. They’re beautiful, intelligent and funny. But do you think of them as fondly as you think of that occasion when they nipped out to get milk and you had an unexpected and welcome opportunity to rub one out? You’d trade them in instantly to experience that debauched rush again. That wank was the one that got away.
Working from home wank
What’s this? A 30-minute gap between meetings? There’s no way you can get any work done in that tiny window, but you could easily crank one out at least one. Even the thought of busting a nut on company time gets you close. Not even a happy 50-year marriage can beat a hand shandy you’re getting paid for.
It’s been a couple of days wank
Relationships are fine, you guess, but they’re oppressive. Your partner’s always about, demanding texts and an audience for his dull workplace dilemmas. Wanking doesn’t place demands on you. In fact, when you leave it a couple of days, it’s even better and never accuses you of not loving it anymore. You’d marry it if you could.
Holiday abroad wank
Remember that solo trip to Paris? A cute little Airbnb by the Seine, the masterpieces at the Louvre, then rounded the day off with some hand action in bed. That wank set the bar impossibly high not only for future partners but future wanks. It was the platonic ideal of masturbation. Richard Linklater could make a poignant movie about it.
Post break-up wank
Nobody looks forward to their first wank after being dumped, but it’s necessary; the onanistic equivalent of eating your vegetables. Five minutes and post-climax clarity brings you to the realisation you’re better off single, and your dream partner is your own busy digits. Though they don’t count as a plus-one at a wedding.
