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Five sexual fantasies that would be mortifying to actually go through with

Got some sexual fantasies to tick off your bucket list? These should never become a reality because they’d be an excruciating let down:

Role play

Thanks to your poor flirting skills you’ll find yourself unable to get even the most erotic of scenarios off the starting blocks. Oh, you’re an office junior who’s willing to do anything to get ahead? Well, why don’t you put in some extra hours during the evening and show some initiative once in a while?

Banging the pizza delivery guy

Quite how stressed dudes wearing dorky uniforms and driving mopeds became sex objects is anyone’s guess. And given their busy schedule they’d only be free to bump uglies for a couple of minutes max. Just have a wank then pick up a Dr. Oetker, it’s much cheaper.

Doing it outdoors

The thrill of possibly getting caught will quickly be replaced by the panic of actually getting caught then shuffling away from the police with your trousers round your ankles. Plus you don’t live anywhere scenic enough for this to be as erotic as your fantasies, so you’ll have to make do with a speedy knee-trembler round the back of Morrisons.

BDSM

Back in the day this was a respectably hardcore kink. However, thanks to Fifty Shades of Grey it’s now as commercial and toothless as post-punk pop rock. If you ever go through with it expect your partner to delicately tap your bum with a spanking paddle then lovingly ask if you just said your safe word.

Orgies

These will not be the bacchanalian carnivals of debauchery your subconscious has convinced you they will be. Instead you’ll realise how low you rank on the sexual marketplace as you stand to the side and watch hot people have at it with pneumatic enthusiasm. It could be a good time to rearrange your energy supplier though, EDF is rinsing you.

Five annoying skills that can be transferred to any office job

JOB hunting? Need to punch up your CV? Include these irritating skills that are guaranteed to appeal to every office employer:

An inability to wash teaspoons

Not a single person who works in an office knows how to rinse a teaspoon under a tap, so clearly this is a highly sought-after skill by bosses. Put this attribute right at the top of your CV, even before your name and contact details, and watch the job offers come rolling in.

A thunderous phone voice

If you’re comfortable talking loudly in a room full of people busily working in pin-drop silence, you’ll thrive in any office job going. Your boorish confidence will set you apart from the other drones who slip on noise-cancelling headphones when they see you pick up the receiver, and before you know it you’ll be running the place.

Proven ability to be passive aggressive

Making thinly-veiled snide comments to someone’s face is a cornerstone of office behaviour. When you’re asked to talk about this quality in job interviews, be sure to give examples of the time you told a colleague they ‘looked well’ as they tucked into a big slice of cake.

Fluency in bullshit jargon

Being able to say bollocks like ‘end of play’ and ‘synergistic working environment’ without visibly wincing is a rare skill that can be used as leverage to negotiate higher salaries. You don’t have to know what any of it actually means, it’s saying it with complete confidence that matters.

Demonstrated success in sucking up

Brown-nosing is a vital part of the white-collar ecosystem. If you’re an obsequious worm of a person who is perfectly happy toiling away like a robot while blowing smoke up their boss’s arse, then there are thousands of office vacancies just waiting to welcome you with open arms.

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