Ex-boyfriend's voicemail more emotionally supportive than he ever was

A WOMAN calling her ex-boyfriend’s voicemail up to 18 times a day admits it is more understanding than he ever was. 

Emma Bradford of Deptford called ex Tom Logan at 2am last Saturday to air grievances about their relationship but ended up after 40 minutes of voicemail chat with a real sense of closure.

Since then she has taken to calling it with frequent updates about her lunch, her day at work, what TV she is watching and what that bitch Jeanette has done now, and believes the relationship between them is only getting stronger.

She said: “The first time I heard that reassuring voice saying ‘Hi, Tom here, please leave a message and I’ll call you back’ I knew finally I had someone I could really unburden myself to without being interrupted or talked over.

“Tom’s voicemail isn’t just pretending to listen while waiting to play FIFA. It’s not texting its mates while I’m unburdening about what my mother said. It’s patient, and it’s open, and it’s kind.

“It’s made me feel okay about the split, and encouraged me to feel like one day I’ll find a man who can come to the phone right now, and really will get back to me when he can.”

Logan said: “All these missed calls from Emma are such a boost to my self-esteem. It’s so great to feel wanted again.”

Quiz: Do you live to work, work to live, or just half-arse both?

THE work-life balance is the key issue of our age, but is it possible to get through without really putting the effort into either? Take our quiz: 

How many hours do you work per day?

A) As many as it takes to get the job done

B) I’m gone the minute they stop paying me. Nobody ever died wishing they’d spent more time in the office

C) Sometimes I’m at my desk late, but it’s only to avoid the kids and spend another hours pissing about on Twitter, Instagram and my Fantasy Football team

What are your career goals?

A) Make it to the top of my field and change the world

B) Retire at 45 and explore the world

C) Keep earning enough to afford rent, weed and Uber Eats

How is your work-life balance?

A) My work is my life

B) Living well is my life

C) Netflix is my life

What would you do if you won the lottery?

A) Set up my own company

B) Set up my own eco-community

C) Set ‘em up, bartender! The drinks are on me!

How would you feel if a robot took over your job?

A) This is progress! By working together we can maximise our productivity

B) This is progress! I’ll be on the beach in Bali, meditating

C) This is progress, I guess. Can I get another one to do all my weekend shit?

ANSWERS

Mostly As: You put in the hours and get shit done. At some point, the question ‘Why?’ will arrive in your mind and stay there.

Mostly Bs: There’s more to life than work but perhaps not as much as you imagine, which you discover when the next restructure makes you redundant.

Mostly Cs: While not exactly setting the world alight with your career, nor have you got anything better to do at home. You’re half-arsing your whole life, but it’s not like you’re bothered.