CONSUMERS are rejecting electric cars for a variety of reasons, but it’s great news for right-wing blokes who’ve always hated these effeminate vehicles. Here Roy Hobbs explains why you shouldn’t buy one.
They’re boring, not iconic
EVs are chunky and boring, because they’re aimed at women and drippy Guardian readers. Can you imagine Steve McQueen trundling along in one in Bullitt instead of a Ford Mustang? He’d probably be sipping an avocado latte on his way to transgender surgery. God, these woke bastards have to ruin everything, don’t they?
They only go as fast as milk floats
The top speed of any EV is 5mph, maybe 15 if you floor it. I’m basing this on milk floats, which are an entirely different type of vehicle from my childhood in the 70s. I’m not allowing for advances in technology, but most of what gammons believe is outdated prejudices. That’s why I still find jokes about Italian tanks having one forward gear and five reverse gears hilarious.
They lower your testosterone levels
Petrol cars are intrinsically masculine. They’ve got a big powerful engine throbbing away, which is similar to having a large penis, and you can satisfy your evolutionary need to dominate other males by overtaking them. So it stands to reason puny EVs with their quiet little nancy boy engines make you less manly. Sure, there isn’t any research proving this, but that’s because scientists are all busy with the global warming hoax.
The batteries explode without warning
At any moment the dilithium battery in an EV could go up like a blowtorch. What a horrible way to die, and what if there are kiddies on board? It just proves these environmentalists are a bunch of bloody psychopaths. If one tries to block the road in front of me I’m going to run them over and hope they get dragged along under the car for a few miles, screaming in agony.
You’ll get electrocuted if it’s wet
Remember when James Bond kills a baddie by knocking an electric heater into the bath, then says ‘shocking’? The same scientific principle applies to EVs, and if you drive through a deep puddle or rain gets inside you’ll be zapped by hundreds of volts of electricity. My son says this is nonsense, but they wouldn’t put something in Goldfinger without checking it was totally scientifically accurate.
There are no charging points
I looked this up on the internet to prove my point at tedious length to my wife, but there seem to be charging points at every petrol station near me. I’m not admitting I’m wrong, though. Cognitive dissonance isn’t a problem for us gammons, because we have the ability to believe contradictory things simultaneously, eg. the EU is the greatest threat Britain has ever faced, but it’s going to collapse at any second.
You’ll be the butt of Sinclair C5 jokes
Haha, remember that wally Sir Clive Sinclair with his stupid little Sinclair C5 that was invisible to anyone driving anything larger than a child’s tricycle? What? You don’t remember a failed invention from 39 years ago? Strange. Anyway, if I bought an EV my gammon mates would be making Sinclair C5 jokes for months, if not years, to come, way beyond the point where it was funny and had just become tedious and annoying. I know I would.
