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Date cancelled on grounds it is too hot to f**k

A WOMAN’S date has cancelled tonight’s planned rendezvous on the grounds that it is far too hot to f**k.

Hannah Tomlinson received a surprise text at 10am reading ‘Hey! Hate to spoil the party but temp’s forecast to be 25 degrees so sex not possible! Catch you later’, even though it was only a second date.

She said: “Cancel, fine. But I feel cancelling on this basis is all kinds of presumptuous.

“No, there was no way I was going to f**k him. Yes, the key factor in that, rather than attractiveness, compatibility or intoxication, was that it’s bloody boiling. But still.

“The entire ‘I’m-not-putting-that-sweaty-dick-in-my-face’ vs ‘Yeah-well-no-way-am-I-going-near-your-stank-pussy’ debate could have comfortably been held in our heads, as they used to in Jane Austen’s day. No need to be so upfront.

“Of course we couldn’t f**k in this heat. We’d fuse together like melting dolls. Any act of intercourse would be like the hot-poker murder of Edward II.

“I’ll make a note in my diary for October. Perhaps the fragile wilting flower can handle a shag then.”

Shoe, Prosecco or willy joke: The six types of birthday card for women

DESPITE it being 2023 there are barely any birthday cards for women which aren’t pink and don’t set feminism back by a decade. Like these:

Shoe

You don’t own a pair of high heels and rarely wear anything other than trainers but this won’t stop your mum sending you a card with a stiletto on it. Is this a sly dig at your perceived lack of femininity or just panic in the card shop? Probably a bit of both.

Prosecco

Men get beer cards and women get sparkly Prosecco or gin cards. That’s the natural way of the world. The sender obviously thinks that you’re a bit of an alcoholic, but in a fun girly way, which makes it glamorous rather than worrying.

Willy joke

There’s some very sophisticated humour out there nowadays but sadly it hasn’t reached the greetings card industry, which still thinks a cartoon of a penis and the phrase ‘Have a willy great birthday!’ is the height of hilarity. It’s the sort of thing your auntie thinks is a bit of a giggle, while you’re cringing yourself inside out.

Food guilt

Different from the borderline-alcoholic Prosecco card, this genre covers faux-cheery statements like ‘Calories don’t count on your birthday!’. Nothing says ‘celebration’ like a bit of body-shaming. Usually sent by a friend who has been doing Weight Watchers for the last decade.

You’re old

Who doesn’t enjoy a bit of mild abuse on their birthday, especially the type that reminds you you’re rapidly hurtling towards the end of your finite years on this planet? This type of card usually says something like ‘Ha ha, you’re an old twat’ and will be sent by a younger sibling.

Baffling ‘With sympathy’ card

Despite your dad’s strong denials, the evidence suggests he did in fact forget your birthday and fished this out from the back of a drawer. It’s the thought that counts, though, even if the pre-printed message in the card says ‘Thinking of you at this difficult time’.

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