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Couple who've been together two weeks claim to have had 'ups and downs'

TWO people who have dated for less time than the average honeymoon believe their relationship is already a dramatic, tumultuous love story.

Lucy Parry and James Bates, who are both 19, first kissed on January 28th but during their brief romance have crammed in more gripping twists and turns than most marriages.

Lucy said: “Mine and James’ relationship has been so rocky yet epic that it deserves to be a book, or at least an unnecessarily long Instagram caption. One day it could even be a West End musical starring Ariana Grande.

“From the highs of our first kiss in the car park of the Odeon to lows when he ignored all my texts for an hour because he was ‘swimming’, it’s gone through peaks and lows most boring couples couldn’t comprehend.

“A week ago I thought it was all over, because he only added three kisses after a message instead of two, then four days ago we had the best day of our lives when we went around the shops in Uttoxeter.

“That’s what it’s like being us. If we’re not soaring to euphoria we’re hurtling towards disaster. It’s draining but it makes me feel so alive.”

James said: “They say the road to true love never did run smooth, and ours has been hella potholed. I can’t tell you the specifics. It’s so much more interesting if I post about it vaguely but mysteriously.”

A bloke off the telly getting his knob out: the gimmicks keeping theatre alive

BRITONS aren’t natural theatregoers, but promise celebrity penis or make a shit film into a musical and we lap it up. And these gimmicks: 

A bloke off the telly getting his knob out

Daniel Radcliffe was 17 when he starred in Equus, yet audiences came in droves to see Harry Potter’s magical sack. Anyone claiming they paid hundreds for a psychiatrist delving into the madness that makes us human is lying. Cat on a Hot Tin Roof had Jack O’Connell from Skins nude in a production that was a triumph for gender equality because Sienna Miller got her baps out.

Turn a film into a musical

Do you like the film? Did you never really feel that the film was marred by the cast’s not breaking repeatedly into song, but you’re willing to give it a go anyway? Whether Cruel Intentions or the Twilight saga, add a few songs and take it on tour. If you’re especially lazy, just licence famous pop songs and wait for the cash to roll in.

Cast a niche internet celebrity

What’s better than Waitress: The Musical? Obviously Waitress: The Musical starring YouTuber Joe Sugg. He can’t sing, can’t act, can’t do an American accent, and looks like a 12-year-old boy, but he’s got 3.33 million subscribers so Zoomers will flock like zombies. Their parents, dragged along, will mutter: ‘Is he the one who fainted on Bake Off?’

Make it painfully woke

If it’s socially relevant it doesn’t have to be good. Make your show about classism or sexism or homophobia or transphobia so anyone who criticises it is classist, sexist, etc. If you don’t fork out £160 for the opening night you’re a monster. Warning: works in London, but you won’t be touring it to Stoke-on-Trent.

Shakespeare in tracksuits

Hamlet, but set on a council estate in Slough. Though oddly, it’s not drawing its audience from gritty Slough estates. They can’t afford it, because it’s £200 a ticket, because KSI is in it and he’s getting his bollocks out during  the ‘to be or not to be’ soliloquy. The Guardian will call it ‘vital and necessary’.

Make it immersive

There’s only one thing better than sitting down to watch RADA graduates pretentiously monologue at you: walking around a former textile mill with an out-of-date asbestos certificate while RADA graduates jump out of shadows to monologue at you. Afterwards, puzzled, you discover you missed a crucial plot twist because you were in the wrong room.

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