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Couple staying unhappily married to avoid dating apps

A COUPLE has decided to stay married despite not really liking one another because online dating looks horrendous.

Emma and Tony Howard have agreed that however bad their marriage is, putting up it until one of them dies seems a better option than Tinder.

Emma said: “What I have with Tom is comfortable. It’s a comfortable level of loathing, and I’ve learned to zone out and ignore the constant urge to punch him in the face.

“But on Tinder, I’d be looking at an infinite gallery of f**kboys all of which I’d probably hate just as much, and even worse they’d be judging me. I can’t cope with that, not at my age.”

Tony agreed: “Those apps are a meat market. And I’m just not comfortable with sending strange women pictures of my penis immediately after saying ‘hello’. I don’t think it would get good reviews.

“Emma and I have come to a mutual understanding that if we can get through this until we’re dead, we’ll never have to look at each other’s faces again. That’s what keeps us going.

“And when I have an affair I’ll do it the way my dad always did: with someone from work.”

A guide to homeworking by a clearly insane homeworker

THE whole of Britain is homeworking now, apart from people with proper jobs. Susan Traherne, a homeworker driven mad by solitude, explains how: 

Get up in the morning

Make sure you get up at a normal time, and by get up I mean take the duvet off at least 35 per cent of your body, and by a normal time I mean to let the postman know you’re onto his little game by shouting ‘Anything from the Illuminati?’ as he passes.

Change into day pajamas

I realised the classification of ‘clothing’ and ‘pajamas’ was arbitrary and unnecessary and mind control in 2016 when I was on a particularly tough deadline. They’re all pajamas. Put on some that match your aura or your brain will begin to oscillate.

Simulate a commute

Lock yourself into a badly-lit room, sway back and forth, read a copy of the Metro you’ve drawn yourself on kitchen roll and throw money in the bin while weeping to simulate a typical commute. Helps give the day rhythm.

Eat proper meals

Being at home, it’s easy to snack your way through the whole day. That’s what they want you to do. Instead make a full roast dinner at noon every day and eat it with the curtains closed.

Talk to people who aren’t there

Stay off social media. It’s aliens from behind the moon. Instead have lively, animated conversations with fellow office workers who you’ve been imagining for years now. Try not to snap when they leave passive-aggressive notes in the kitchen.

Enjoy the advantages

Finally, enjoy doing all the things you can’t do in an office like watching porn, doing bong hit every 15 minutes, and howling. You’ll love it so much, you won’t want to go back!

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