IS your partner glum and distant? They might be pondering how their life would have turned out if they’d married someone else. Here are some of their alternate universe spouses.
Girlfriend/boyfriend from uni
This person benefits from being their first serious relationship and sexual awakening-type stuff. Chances are they also led a charmed student life of smoking dope, dossing around and having sex. You can’t really compete with that when you’re nagging your partner to use the f**king air freshener in the bathroom occasionally.
Breathtakingly beautiful man or woman
Possibly from a previous job, your partner thinks their infrequent and unremarkable chats with this latter-day Lynda Carter or Sean Connery were a ‘rapport’. It’s just being smitten by good looks, but they may well have concocted a complex fantasy about them. They’re probably a writer living in a picturesque cottage with this beautiful spouse and a labrador. What a twat.
First boyfriend/girlfriend
Your partner undoubtedly has fond memories of their first dip in the magical swimming pool of love. If only due to losing their virginity, or at least getting a few hand shandies/inept rubs. A tad unfair on you, because it’s unlikely they could sustain an adult relationship by ‘hanging round the chippy’.
Mostly okay ex
This bland f**ker haunts your partner’s imagination because they’ve created an edited version focusing on their rare interesting moments and odd thoughtful gift. Gone are events like being too bored with them to bother having sex. Or that bitter two-day row over what pedal bin to get.
Cool girl/boy from school
Every 80s secondary school had a handful of less-immature attractive kids. In reality, they probably looked like something out of Grange Hill or an Adidas catalogue, but all the other kids fancied them. If you dislike this imaginary competition, stalk them on Facebook and gleefully reveal they’re a haggard supermarket worker or fat, Brexity builder. Of course, they might be a successful, trim DILF or MILF, but you’ll have learned an important lesson about jealousy.
Indie band cutie
More the realm of pure fantasy, but indie bands had a big impact on your partner in their late teens. Typical fantasy shags included: Mark Gardener from Ride, Rachel from Slowdive, Jason from Spiritualised, Miki from Lush. Having said that, most of these bands aren’t doing much these days, so maybe your partner would actually be in with a chance with Toni Halliday from Curve?
Attractive teacher
The bar was set pretty low for your adolescent partner’s massive, enduring teacher crush. Female: pretty with tits. Male: passably good-looking and impossibly cool (he went to see Genesis live). They may have been hot then, but they must be really old by now. Unless your partner’s into gerontophilia, you don’t have much to feel jealous about with Miss Phipps or Mr Dinsdale.
