MEN are basic creatures with odd little secrets. Here are six of the weird things they like to keep hidden from their partners.
A Big Mac in the car
The average man can easily fit a covert meal into any trip out of the house, shamefully scoffing down a Maccy D or KFC and then disposing of every crumb of evidence with the furtive skills of an MI5 agent. If your partner insists on taking a romantic stroll to the local shops when you normally drive, it isn’t because they’ve turned over a new leaf, it’s because the car stinks of Greggs steak bakes.
Having a sly pint on the way home
He tells you he’s ‘just leaving work’ when actually he’s already at the Crown and Sceptre sinking a pint. If he’d asked, you’d have happily joined him, but for some reason he feels the need to lie about it. And it’s not like you won’t find out, because he stinks of pork scratchings and Moretti when he gets back, and he had to leave the car in town and walk home, the prick.
His weekend gambling habit
Sold to you as a ‘£1 bet on an accumulator’, the reality of his betting habit is actually quite different. He blows ever-increasing amounts on ludicrous gambles that are little more than hunches, with the size of your grocery budget now depending on the outcome of softball fixtures in Taipei. Just a bit of a flutter, he says, wincing as you put a tub of Lurpak in the shopping trolley.
The first album they bought
When you’ve known each other long enough – say a decade – your husband might finally tell you the truth about a few things, for example that the amount of women he’s slept with is seven, rather than ‘about 50’. However, what he will never reveal is that the first album he bought wasn’t Definitely Maybe by Oasis. It was actually PJ & Duncan’s Psyche.
How tall they really are
Despite being right there in plain sight, your partner will never admit how tall he is. When pressed, he will say ‘about six foot’ despite obviously being no more than 5’7. He will build on this lie by pretending he’s a size 11 shoe, even though as a result he flaps around in his trainers like a circus clown. Ultimately he just wants you to think he has a large penis, which is stupid because you see it every day and know it is distinctly average.
They still think they’d make a pretty good James Bond
On the rare occasion that they need to wear a suit, most men look in the mirror and think ‘Yeah, I could play 007’ and then shoot an imaginary gun. Replacing Daniel Craig won’t be easy, but the franchise needs a reboot, and who better than a portly, balding man in his late 40s? Roger Moore was old in A View To A Kill, right? And he still shagged Grace Jones. Not that your partner would shag Grace Jones. He’d be far too scared.
