READERS love being riled up by the Daily Mail. And nothing gets them going like stories based on tweets from random nutters. If you want to be a Mail reporter, here’s how to master this vital skill.
Pick a controversial subject
Mail readers spend their days waiting for something to turn them into a frothing volcano of fury. As a reporter, it’s down to you to find a topic that never fails to give people over the age of 50 a massive rage boner – and there’s no shortage of those. Immigration is a no-brainer. Veganism will strangely send people into a frenzy. And trans women keep cheating at swimming by being men.
Think up a mad opinion
You’ve got a contentious subject. Now you need to think of a totally batshit opinion on it – something that will both frighten and infuriate the average gammon. Let your creativity run wild: ‘Sausages are cultural appropriation, says BLM’, ‘Men should be forced to wear skirts in the workplace’, ‘Curtains are racist’. Don’t worry about going over the top – your readers are mental, possibly due to years of reading the Mail.
Find tweets by unhinged people who actually have that opinion
Back in the day, journalism was much harder. You actually had to go out and find lunatics with insane opinions in the real world. In 2022, you can find millions of utter f**king fruit loops at the touch of a button. Yes, it’s time to go on Twitter. And fortunately, only three tweets are required to justify a front page article. Use the search function to find a few disturbed people who have tweeted your crazy opinion then get copying and pasting.
Pretend those tweets represent the views of millions
Nobody cares about the opinion of a few losers with seven followers between them – but don’t let that get in the way of a good story. Now make it look like millions of people agree. It’s all about your use of language. Let’s say you write that that there are calls to outlaw Maltesers. No one need know that the only people making those calls are an unhinged twat in Wrexham, someone who thought the post was a joke, and someone who clicked ‘like’ by mistake.
Repeat this process every day
By this point, you should already have an incredibly compelling – and totally baseless – story on your hands. But the true Daily Mail journalist needs to meet this low standard every single day. People want to make Action Man a woman. Students think traffic lights are part of the patriarchy. Phillip Schofield should be deported. The only limit is your imagination and lack of integrity.
