STRUGGLING to write stories about historic political events in the most toothless way possible? Here’s how to dash off reports like Laura Kuenssberg.
Use twee words to describe a disaster
Just because words are your trade doesn’t mean you have to use them accurately. ‘Scuffle’ might not be a synonym for ‘violent challenge to American democracy’, but it’s not like anybody will get out a dictionary to check. By the same logic the Hong Kong protests were a ‘brouhaha’ and the George Floyd riots were a ‘hubbub’.
Cosy up to power
Forget asking hard-hitting questions that expose the hypocrisy of our ruling class, the best way to unearth the truth is to meet politicians in a wine bar or tweet what Dominic Cummings texted you.
Write ambiguous headlines
Dry, fact-based headlines are dead on arrival in the cut-throat world of online journalism. Tart the information up with the old trick of asking an unanswered question. It’s a bit clickbaity and you might fundamentally undermine the credibility of the great broadcasting institution the BBC, but, frankly, who cares by now?
Tweet constantly
These can range from updates which reiterate the news that people already know, to rolling posts based on nothing more than hearsay. Give your tweets urgency and dramatic impact by never using a full stop.
Appear on the BBC at least 200 times a day
It’s not enough just to deliver daily reports while shivering in Parliament Square. Branch out with a podcast and guest spots on talk shows until you become the Gregg Wallace of news. By 2028 you’ll be hosting a popular entertainment programme where you show proles how to cook delicious meals with their Brexit rations.
