The Guardian's guide to why you shouldn't enjoy that

OH dear, it looks like you’re enjoying something which the Guardian says you shouldn’t. Here staff writer Nathan Muir explains how to feel guilty about everything.

You’re probably privileged

If you’re reading the Guardian looking for something to feel guilty about you’ve got too much time on your hands, so feel guilty about that. You probably need to check your privilege anyway. You might not feel privileged, but you are compared to someone, eg. an Eritrean farmer.

Whatever you’re enjoying has got a carbon footprint

If it exists it’s got a carbon footprint, and that means it’s worse than a person who once enjoyed a Woody Allen film. Don’t mind us though, we’re just a newspaper you’re either reading on sheets of dead tree or a smartphone manufactured in a sweatshop. Feel guilty, but definitely keep reading.

Someone, somewhere, could take offence

Even if you and your friends enjoyed a thing, there’s undoubtedly some weirdo somewhere who misinterpreted it and thinks it’s disgusting. You didn’t consider their feelings though did you? You’re practically a Nazi.

There’s another angle you haven’t even considered yet

Fortunately I, a smug Guardian writer, have discovered the uncomfortable truth that casts the topic in question in a whole new light. One you should feel guilty about. I won’t tell you what it is in the headline though because I like sounding smart and desperately need you to click through.

Find out more at our Masterclasses

We can’t even begin to cover why you shouldn’t enjoy that thing in a single article. Luckily our How To Feel Guilty course will teach you everything you need to know about self-flagellation. Tickets for the two-hour workshop are now available for just £350 per person. Do we feel guilty about that? Certainly not.

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All the people your elderly parents have had round while they've been isolating

YOUR elderly parents are in a high-risk group so they haven’t left the house or let anyone in for the last 10 weeks. Apart from the following:

Rita from next door

What do you mean, who’s Rita? You know, Rita from next door. She came round and said she was going to distance at the bottom of the drive, but we felt silly so she came in. But she didn’t stay long. She went straight after her cup of tea.

The Tesco delivery man

The shopping was heavy and your dad was watching Homes Under The Hammer. He just stepped into the kitchen for half a minute and accepted the glass of water I offered because I didn’t want to be rude. You can still keep your manners.

Bill McKay’s son

He came in but only because he was doing some work on the underfloor heating in the bathroom. You remember we had it fitted and it’s been a nightmare. A risk? Him? We’ve known him since he was in bloody nappies, you daft apeth.

The lad from up the road

That laptop’s never worked. I don’t know why you bought it us. Anyway, your dad couldn’t get on his emails so we asked that lad three doors up if he could come over and have a look. He got it sorted in a minute flat. You should hire him at your work.

Elsie, who’s just out of hospital

Poor Elsie, she’s had a terrible time. She wasn’t in for that coronavirus, it was her hip. She couldn’t get over the step to the garden so we just had a natter in the kitchen. Elsie’s not dangerous. You folk do talk some nonsense. It’s the same on the news.

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