subscribe
/ Sign Out

The Daily Mail's guide to why only scum work from home

THE Daily Mail has decided that not returning to your Covid-infested office makes you a filthy traitor who hates Britain. Columnist Susan Traherne explains why: 

You’re not buying sandwiches

Britain’s superb Tory-led economy is only 80 per cent dependent on service industry things like limp tuna sandwiches from Pret. By not gloomily gnawing at a sandwich at your desk you are destroying our national wealth as effectively as blowing up an Airbus factory.

Cowardice

You people make me sick with your reluctance to catch a potentially fatal disease. You’d have been shot at dawn during World War One, and rightly so. I work from home but that’s different because I am a columnist with important articles to write about having to buy porcini mushrooms online now.

You’re just sitting on the sofa masturbating, aren’t you?

I know what you’re up to. You may be claiming to be working but you’re just lounging around watching internet porn and racking up levels on Candy Crush Saga. As a hopelessly out-of-touch Daily Mail writer, this is the only computer game I can think of.

You’re ruining the kiddies’ futures

Those poor little mites! Once a daddy went out to work and a mummy went shopping every day, like heroes. Now your kids are growing up to believe everyone cowers at home like terrified mice scared of a murderous cat. Grow spines and testicles while I check the fridge for some more sauv.

Some alt-right nonsense

The Marxist university lecturers are taking over and thank God decent, family-oriented leaders like Boris Johnson aren’t putting us in Gulags and… Right. My word count says that’ll do.

The Conservative guide to socially-distanced sex

HAVING sex is largely irrelevant to the economy, so the government can impose restrictions without consequence. So we will. Here’s how to do it: 

Elbowplay

It’s no secret that there are few areas more erogenous than the elbow. Gently massage your partner’s arm-joint with a disinfecting lubricant until orgasm is achieved. Wear rubber gloves and be outdoors if possible.

Involve the Telegraph crossword

Cryptic crosswords are an incredibly arousing challenge which couples can enjoy together. Just last week, four across was ‘Keeping supply of hosiery’ and the answer was ‘stocking’. Bet that double meaning had you wetter than Wales in October. Sometimes an intellectual buzz can be more satisfying than actual climax.

Don’t eat out to help out

While you should of course use Rishi Sunak’s scheme from Monday to Wednesday each week, cunnilingus should stay off the menu. Some men don’t like it so all women shouldn’t. It’s that simple.

Impregnate and leave

Lean as far back as possible, penetrate, and make your exit before you catch anything, ensuring to wash your hands of the responsibilities of fatherhood. Each child you produce is a future economic unit. All other sex wastes money and time.

Stop having sex

If you are still struggling to follow the guidelines, we suggest a period of total abstinence. There are very successful Conservative peers who haven’t resorted to any sexual activity since once accidentally at boarding school in 1981.

Next story ›