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Subscribe or we go right wing, threatens Guardian

THE Guardian is warning online readers that if they do not pay monthly subscriptions it will move sharply to the right. 

Browsers are being asked to pay £12.50 per month for quality journalism or expect a diet of xenophobia, homophobia, campaigns to privatise libraries and columns from Rod Liddle.

A spokesman for the newspaper said: “We’ve tried appealing to our liberal readers’ better natures, and the twats ignored us. So pay up or we back the Tories all the way.

“We want to keep our unique, quality reporting open to everyone but we’re losing cash hand over f**king fist. Articles about Albania’s pioneering genderqueer goatherds aren’t free. Articles about Britain’s sexiest seven-figure bankers under 25 pay for themselves.

“If you want nice articles about nice people like you wild swimming and growing windowbox quinoa, stump the f**k up. Or the Culture section’s going to be about how to spunk your inheritance up the wall on second homes and Buckinghamshire boarding schools.

“Imagine this country if every single newspaper backed Boris Johnson to the hilt. Yeah, too right you’re shitting yourself. Get that direct debit set up, you tight-fisted leftie wankers.”

Reader Tom Booker said: “Whenever the app says I’ve read 488 articles in the last month, I think ‘f**king good deal that’. But I’ve subscribed now. How else would I know everyone else is wrong all the time?”

10 American words you were still ignorant of the meaning of at 40

YOU were on the cusp of middle age before you realised what exactly a ‘semester’ was. These still confuse: 

Biscuits

Our biscuits are their cookies, so what the f**k are their biscuits? Apparently they’re eaten with gravy in the South, which sounds ominous. In fact they’re bread. Wait, so they’re eating bread and gravy?

Fanny

A safe-for-work version of ass, confused by Americans wearing fanny packs on the front where the fanny is. Means that over there they have no idea what a ‘fanny fart’ is, even though they could refer to it as a ‘f**k trump’.

Nightstand

Sounds like a perch that a raven could sit on before croaking some word or other. It is a bedside table. Why? They don’t call tables ‘foodstands’.

Beer nuts

Stephen King characters were always shovelling beer nuts into their faces at bars. Are they beer-soaked? Beer-roasted? No. It means ‘any kind of nuts kept in a bowl on the bar’.

40s

‘Blunt’ has travelled across the Atlantic, but its companion ‘40’ remains a hip-hop mystery. It’s a two-and-a-bit pint bottle of malt liquor, which only raises the question, ‘WTF is malt liquor?’

Sophomore

At some point in the American education system, everyone becomes a sophomore. Why? Is it like those bullshit fraternity-sonority things they have? Do they transform physically? They’re just second-years.

Pacifier

Assumed, given the prevailing logic over there, to be a gun. But then troublingly often associated with babies, and presumably they’re not arming infants yet? Actually a dummy.

Faucet and spigot

The f**k? Kids in Sweet Valley High books were always drinking from the faucet. In your late 20s you realised it was just a tap. So what’s a spigot? A tap outside. That needed its own special word?

Shop class

Do badly at high school and you’re in shop class. This makes sense because there’s f**loads of shops just in New York, let alone the rest, and someone needs to run them. Except it’s actually design and technology, making key-holders.

Chips

We’re all enlightened now thanks to the sterling work done by Kettle Chips. Which America doesn’t have. But then what are chips? They have fries but they’re fries. Don’t they have chips? Poor bastards.

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