FOR years, Piers Morgan was the undisputed biggest wanker on television. However, on Good Morning Britain, there’s a new kid in town: Richard Madeley.
With Madeley proving he’s as skilled a tosser as Morgan on a daily basis, who will win this battle of the small, vindictive, reactionary minds? Let’s take a look at the two contenders.
Madeley
This week’s interview with Mick Lynch was an impressive display of onanism as he tried and failed to outwit Lynch, who stuck to the issues, before petulantly telling the bewildered union leader to ‘jog on’ like a 13-year-old dickhead.
Or there was the cringeworthy, wittering tirade about the definition of Christmas, also with Lynch, claiming the festival started in early December and more circular monologue than interview.
Madeley fans loved his self-glorifying, Partridge-esque broadcast from Whiston Hospital in which he tucked his tie in and rolled up his sleeves like a doctor, when he was just getting in the f**king way. And of course his rant at a Just Stop Oil protester that drew comparisons with Don’t Look Up.
Yes, Madeley is a heavyweight TV wanker – and that’s before you even remember the accusations of shoplifting in Tesco. But Morgan isn’t a man to easily be outwanked.
Morgan
His stalkerish obsession with Meghan Markle continues unabated, with him resorting to posting risque photos of his own wife as some kind of weird riposte to accusations that his issue with Markle is that she once ‘ghosted’ him.
Further back he unpleasantly said he ‘did not believe a word’ of Markle claiming to have felt suicidal after being hounded by the media, somewhat overestimating his own importance with the words ‘Freedom of speech is a hill I am happy to die on’.
Then there are his hackneyed rants, solid gold spunk, about the dangers of cancel culture by a man who went past his cancellation date years ago. Indeed, if he were to stand up and perform an actual wank, his dwindling audience would welcome the variety.
So who will emerge triumphant? It’s impossible to say – Madeley is a serious contender, but Morgan won’t give up the title of King of the TV Wankers without a fight. And when you come at the King, you best not miss.
