Receptionist shocked to discover she is famous on the Daily Mail sidebar

9th July 2024

A 22-YEAR-OLD Londoner has been amazed to find more than a hundred stories about her weight, dress sense and love life on the Daily Mail website.

Carolyn Ryan, a receptionist at a banking firm, happened across a story about her dramatic weight loss on the site’s sidebar between stories about a former Strictly dancer’s new romance and an on-set feud between the Real Housewives of Waco.

Further investigation revealed Mail Online had been running stories about her for nine months, accompanied by long-lens paparazzi images she was unaware were being taken.

She said: “This one’s me leaving the gym with a caption about all the maintenance my famous curves need. Here’s one at my friend Susan’s wedding cattily telling me not to upstage the bride.

“There are stories about me taking the dog for a walk with a 12-photo sequence of me picking up his shit and the headline ‘It’s a dogs life for Carolyn!’ There’s even a story about me using a cashpoint outside Sainsbury’s then buying a bag of oranges.

“If I’m not daring to bare in a little black dress, I’m committing a fashion faux-pas by covering up my classic pins in a less-than-flattering pair of jeggings with camel-toe. Why me?”

Mail Online editor Nathan Muir said: “No, she’s definitely famous. She was in Love Island maybe, or Ex On The Beach? Or is she Courtney Stodden’s dog’s anus bleacher?

“Well, f**k it, she’s famous now.”

According to sources, Carolyn spent last night drowning her sorrows with pals in London’s exclusive Whisky Mist nightclub while struggling to maintain her modesty in a wickedly low-cut chiffon dress.

Seven traits of your ex's new partner only you can see are manipulative and evil

9th July 2024

IS the former love of your life deliriously happy with someone new? Can only you, because you’re objective, see through the deceit and sickening lies? These aren’t what they seem:

Having fun nights out

The pretence of happiness on Facebook, drinking cocktails with her new boyfriend Steve and his buddies, can’t fool you. It’s plain he’s encouraging alcohol dependence so he can control her by withholding her next fix of strawberry daiquiri.

Being nice to him

Your ex’s devious new girlfriend constantly tells him he’s wonderful when he’s at best mediocre, as you pointed out frequently for his own good. It doesn’t speak well of him that he’s fallen for someone being attentive, touching him fondly and laughing at his jokes. If he doesn’t watch out she’ll trap him into marriage.

Being sexually available

Based on suggestive comments on social media it appears she’s much more into sex with him than she was with you, which makes no sense. He’s clearly using sex aids like anaesthetic sprays or a cock ring, which is cheating. This could be your way back in, though being honest you’ve never heard of a couple getting back together because her new boyfriend’s knob fell off.

Getting on with his friends

The interloping cow feigns enjoying his friends’ company, which she can’t be because they’re twats. This fun-and-outgoing persona is only to lure him in before revealing herself as obsessively jealous. Or she’s already scoping out her next sexual conquest. It’s possible she’s simply a sociable person, but you prefer the ‘conniving bitch’ explanation.

Buying expensive gifts

Her new guy has a definite sinister side. He not only remembered when her birthday is – hope you like dating the Stasi, sweetie – but spent about 300 quid taking her clothes shopping. That’s not love, it’s buying her like a possession. That’s why you always got her non-materialistic presents, like your devotion and a hug.

Performing non-TV activities

Your poor ex-boyfriend, forced to do stuff that’s totally out of his comfort zone like tasting menus and weekends in Venice. Your relationship was so solid you could be happy just watching Inside the Factory with Gregg Wallace. It’s all just a distraction from their basic incompatibility. You’ll be here, waiting, with a second bottle of Jacob’s Creek.

Moving in together

She always was naive so she believes it’s a sign of love and commitment, not extreme control freakery. When she posts pictures of them shopping at IKEA, you want to comment ‘has he bought bars for the window of the cell he’ll lock you in’? Why can’t she see through him like you can? And why has she stopped reading your DMs?