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Just say 'woke' once a paragraph: A guide to being a Telegraph columnist

WANT a lucrative job churning out opinions for the Daily Telegraph? Follow this tried-and-tested advice for writing pandering, reactionary drivel.

Pull a ‘culture war’ out of your arse

Reach right up your rectum and pull out some niche controversies that (A) only a handful of people give a toss about, and (B) will have no effect on the real world. Make things up to ‘prove’ your point: ‘What next? A Dad’s Army remake with Pike coming out as transgender and Captain Womanwaring?’ 

Claim youngsters have gone soft then whine about having to wear a mask

Harp on about Britain’s youth lacking the fortitude to make it through a crisis (roll out some cliches about obesity, computer games and overprotective parents) while moaning about having to wear a mask in Waitrose for 15 minutes. Imply you bravely defied Nazi Germany aged -50. 

Cheerlead for the Brexit tyre-fire because scavenging for food and fuel builds character

Five years ago you were crowing about the fountain of money that would be showered on the NHS. Now that everything’s turned out like you secretly knew it would, claim that’s great too. Food, fuel and lorry shortages will make men out of us Brits, including the women, but thankfully not in the transgender sense. 

Complain of being cancelled because no one reviewed your shitty novel

Pose for a photo across a two-page spread with a plaster over your mouth. Don’t mention that reviewers had better books to review than your leaden comic satire on modern Britain. Also omit the fact that your ‘cancellation’ includes a serialisation in the Telegraph.

‘Woke’

Just keep saying it. Woke. Woke. Wokety woke. Use it until it loses all meaning. Should I no longer use obviously offensive terms like ‘poof’? It’s woke. This weather won’t make its mind up, will it? Bloody woke. 

The tortuous thought process of deciding whether you support Insulate Britain or not

ONE minute you think they’ve got a point, the next they’re desperately annoying f**kwits blocking your route to Tesco. Do you support Insulate Britain or not?

They’ve got a good point

Insulating houses is a crashingly dull subject but it’s a sensible thing to tackle. It’s the sort of campaign you could get behind, if you could be arsed to do something other than playing video games and eating crisps.

But they’re going about it in a stupid way

If they’re making people miss job interviews and hospital appointments, it’s understandable that motorists want to punch them in the face. Plus, sitting down on the M25 is mental in anyone’s book. At least Extinction Rebellion only blocked central London where no one expects the traffic to move anyway.

Climate change needs tackling somehow

It’s the biggest crisis we’re facing, the government aren’t doing anything and petitions make f**k-all difference. I admire them, because they’re dedicated to their cause and I’d be terrified being threatened by an irate lorry driver with Ginsters breath.

It’s going to end badly

These daft, middle class greenies don’t seem to realise a loony driver could flip out and plough through their barricades and someone will be seriously hurt. But an almighty hippy/white van man/yummy mummy punch-up on the Dartford Crossing would be funny. Obviously I don’t condone violence.

They’re annoying twats

I saw on Twitter they’d blocked a gobby woman taking one kid to a local school in a massive SUV. If they’re messing with people like that, they deserve a big pat on the back.

F**k off, I need to do a big shop

Now it’s affecting me personally. so I’ve decided it’s definitely annoying. Piss off, you eco-mob hippy terrorists, I need to get to Tesco and do the big shop in peace.

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