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John Humphrys to be pain in the arse at local old folks' club

PENSIONERS are dreading John Humphrys’ retirement from Radio 4 as he is bound to make a pest of himself at the local Darby and Joan.

Members are afraid they are about to be subjected to the sort of cantankerous questioning that has seen Radio 4 listeners desert the Today show in droves.

Roy Hobbs, 83, said: “Today got so bad with his chummy exchanges with PG Wodehouse fugitives like Jacob Rees-Mogg I started watching Piers Morgan instead. Piers fucking Morgan.

“I know what he’ll be like. Chuntering away, talking over everybody, ruining the dominoes by suggesting all 27 EU members join a Greater United Kingdom or some such nonsense.”

Humphrys said: “My PA’s sent an application to the Darby and Joan, so I’m all set to ask hard-hitting questions like ‘Why has the whist drive been cancelled?’ in an aggressive, needling way that ultimately leaves you none the wiser.

“I also have lots of strong opinions, so I’m looking forward to a few furious arguments about whether Doctors is better than Take the High Road.”

However Hobbs’ wife Sandra said: “We’ve got enough opinionated old duffers already. If he says to me ‘I’m going to have to push you’ he’s getting a People’s Friend up his arse.”

Five ways to get to sleep when two bottles of Merlot isn't cutting it

DO you struggle to sleep at night and booze just perks you up so you can fret about not being asleep? Here are some alternative ideas to help you nod off.

Stop thinking Red Bull is fit for human consumption

Or any other ‘energy drink’ that is basically a can of poison designed to keep you awake until you have a heart attack.

Don’t confuse ‘meditation’ with ‘long silent worrying’

If you try bedtime meditation to clear your mind but instead find it full of paranoid thoughts about losing your job, getting cancer or accidentally killing someone and going on the run, try an audio book instead.

Don’t watch World’s Scariest Police Chases until 2am

High-speed car chases accompanied by hysterical commentary isn’t going to lull you gently into the land of nod. Try something you’d need combat pilot amphetamines to stay awake to, such as BBC Business Live.

Sleep in a different room from your partner

It’s probably their fault anyway, the snoring, wriggling, generally irritating sleep thief. Your sex life may suffer, but let’s face it, you gave up on that nonsense three months after you moved in together.

Hit yourself over the head with a brick

Desperate times call for desperate measures. Even if you don’t knock yourself out, the concussion will be like smoking a bag of Spice for free.

 

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