Five things no Daily Mail reader can live without

LOVE the fascist rantings of the Daily Mail? Want the lifestyle that goes with it? Here are five things that no true Mail fan should be without.

Multivitamins

Every week a new vitamin will halve your chance of getting cancer and double your sperm count, so your best bet is buying a pack of A-Z multivitamins and taking twice the recommended amount. You should also have plenty of red wine and coffee, because these have miraculous properties too, or might kill you, depending on which story you read.

A pair of jackboots

Perfect for long rambles in the great British countryside. You can even imagine you’re marching into Poland. Shiny jackboots are hard-wearing and a great conversation starter — if you like conversations about what the Nazis got right and World War 2 in general.

Binoculars

Daily Mail readers love checking on their neighbours to make sure they’re not being too LGBT+ or Eurocentric, so binoculars are essential. Get high-powered ones so you can see the ratio of British food to foreign muck in your neighbours’ kitchens.

A time machine

Set the clock to ‘When Britain was great’ and be transported back to a world where Churchill was in Downing Street, children minded their manners and no-one had heard of avocados. You’ll probably meet the Famous Five roaming the land looking for criminal gypsies and your local newsagent will be a white bigot. Lovely.

A figure-hugging bikini to flaunt your curves

Daily Mail readers are news junkies, so an American reality TV star visiting the beach definitely deserves to make the front page. Do your own bit by ‘embracing your curves’ in barely-there swimwear – or give it to a young female relative who other Daily Mail readers can perv over.

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It all went to shit when Paul the Octopus died, scientists confirm

PAUL the psychic octopus was the only thing standing between humanity and catastrophic disaster, scientists have confirmed.

Scientists have pinpointed the death in 2010 of the World Cup match-predicting octopus as the precise moment when everything started going tits up for the human race.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “I’ll be honest, we hadn’t done any real science since 2003, because we were just asking Paul yes or no questions the entire time.

Will Spain win the 2010 World Cup final? Yes. Will I need an umbrella tomorrow? No. Sadly we didn’t think to ask ‘Will a deadly pandemic plunge us into a global recession?’.

“Moments before he passed into cephalopod heaven, Paul drew an image of the Earth on fire and surrounded by noxious gas, but we just assumed he’d shat loads of ink everywhere.”

Unsuccessful attempts have been made to replace Paul the Octopus with other clairvoyant animals, including Gavin the Penguin, who was only able to tell if couples were not right for each other.

Brubaker added: “We discovered a tortoise oracle called Francesca who seemed promising, but then she told us to inject bleach if you’re ill, and that didn’t sound right.”

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