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Daily Mail renames itself the Daily F**k You Meghan We Hate You

THE Daily Mail has renamed itself the Daily F**k You Meghan We Hate You in recognition of its core focus as a publication. 

The newspaper has made Meghan-hatred its primary source of news, and is even prepared to stop supporting Brexit if Meghan decides she is in favour of it.

News editor Carolyn Ryan said: “Over the last week we’ve noticed other, less patriotic publications moving away from abusing Meghan. Not us. Our loathing will never fade. 

“Our new name, written on the masthead in the same gothic font, affirms our commitment to filling the first 17 pages of our publication with vicious, vitriolic hatred every single day. 

“Today alone there’s our usual six pages of Thomas Markle bile, Amanda Platell telling Meghan she should feed herself to sharks, and a Photoshopped picture essay showing Kate healing the sick and Meghan causing crops to wither in her wake. 

“On other pages we’ve got ‘Did Meghan cause the Wuhan coronavirus?’, ‘Polar blast hitting UK from Canada where that vile bitch lives’ and ‘Man United lose two-nil, thanks to f**king Meghan’.” 

Daily Mail reader Susan Traherne said: “I hope they still find room for their inexplicable smear campaign against Phillip Schofield. I’m emotionally invested in that now.”

The five most annoying habits of your retired parents

ARE you constantly driven up the wall by your elderly parents’ strange behaviour? Here’s how to cope with their most annoying habits.

Obsession with trivia

Retirement gives your parents way too much time to focus on daft trivia like whether to buy a new tea towel, which they will tell you about until you want to cry. Solution: Make them get a job, even if they’re 80 and a bit doddery. It’s the kindest thing.

Nostalgia for things that were worse

Whilst happily surfing the satellite channels, older parents are GUARANTEED to say: “I preferred it when there were just the four channels.” Solution: Connect an old Bush TV to their Sky box and see how they like tuning into Sky Atlantic manually by twiddling the knob.

Cluelessness while eating out

Unless your parents are used to eating out, it will involve endless strange questions, eg. “What happens if my food arrives while I’m in the toilet?” or “Why is there a piece of lemon with my fish?” Solution: Before having a straightforward meal at a local pub, take four Valium.

Telling you about people you don’t know

Has their friend Audrey’s daughter finished her gap year and got a job with Vodafone? You have no idea who this person is, but your parents WILL ring to tell you about it. Solution: Keep saying “Really? That’s interesting” in between immersing your head in a bucket of vodka.

Constant bafflement with technology

When they ask you for the 500th time if their Yahoo account is the same as their NatWest account you will want to throw the laptop and your dear old mum and dad out of the window. Solution: There is no solution. Grit your teeth and repeat for the billionth time that for computers to work, they sometimes have to be plugged in.

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